I have a married couple in my life that are sweet, good friends to me. They have both asked for coaching around dealing with anxiety in the last year. One of them has seen some good progress in this work. He’s developed the capacity to look at what is making him worried and fearful, deal with the alerts coming out of his Flight or Fight Response, and then do what he thinks is needed to unplug that concern. He did some great work with this around both work problems (erratic boss, erratic work conditions) and a potential diagnosis of cancer. As it turns out it was a false alarm, but he stood calm in the storm, and to a large degree did so with the tools of Fear Mastery.
While I’m very proud of my friend, and pleased with his success, I’m not writing this blog post to pat myself on the back for anything. He did the work – I just provided the tools. I’m writing this post because it is his significant other that I want to discuss. She is every bit as smart as he is, and just as kind and gentle as he is. (They’re a great couple of people, simply put.) But they have a crucial difference, something she learned in her life that he didn’t, a particular kind of anxiety that may just be the most insidious anxiety possible. She learned that she could only be safe IF she found something to worry about.
This particular anxiety has been surfacing a lot in the work I’m doing these days. I’m calling it for the moment the habit of worry. It is a very corrosive, draining fear. I’m beginning to believe it is different from other specific fears/anxieties in that, in a very real sense, it is not seen AS a fear or anxiety. If I’m afraid of cats, for instance, then once I confront my fear of cats, well, that fear is dealt with and done. If I’m afraid of stuttering during a presentation, but unpack my fear and practice moving through it, then I can deal with it and not be afraid of it any more.
But fearing the lack of worrying, well, that has a different quality to it. Because it isn’t about dealing with any SPECIFIC fear, per se. It is about being afraid of not being afraid! My friend and I have talked about this during our coaching work. She has said yes, she sees that. And she has worked hard to address some of her specific fears. She has anxiety around the health and safety of her young son, she has worries about her husband and his stress at work, she has fears about the future for her family – she has a number of things she worries about.
The one fear that we haven’t been able to tackle with any success is her worry habit. She has a deep, abiding fear that eternal vigilance is the only way to avoid disaster, avoid something terrible happening in her life. And so when she confronts her worry habit her Comfort Zone REALLY fires up, working to make her run from the horrible things that she envisions when she thinks about letting go of worry.
I wonder how many people wrestle with this fear. And what a fear to have to fight! I also have to wonder if most people who fight any degree of chronic anxiety don’t, to some degree, wind up fighting this fear as well (although I don’t know that, and it will take some more time and study before I can know that.) But I DO know that the answer is the same for this fear as it is for all the others. It has to be addressed, unpacked, thought through before we have a prayer of being free of it. Just like facing the fear of making a mistake in public speaking, fear of not worrying is just that – a fear, in our heads, and it is only as frightening as we make it.
It is a kind of magical thinking, and not the Harry Potter/happy kind of magic. It is a conviction that we can ward off danger by the act of worrying about it. And nothing could be further from the truth! My friend moves from worry to worry in her mind, in her day, and gives away enormous amounts of energy in the process. She addresses one fear, but then has to find something else to worry about, because, in her thinking, if she doesn’t, she’s inviting disaster. Something bad will happen, and it wouldn’t have happened if she had just thought to worry about it. She believes that eternal vigilance IS the price for her freedom…
But it is just the reverse. Her freedom can only come when she decides that her WORRY isn’t helping anything, or anyone. Her active thinking, her planning, her work, her problem-solving – these can all do useful things for her. Her WORRY isn’t taking her anyplace. Just like with every other fear in the world (that isn’t an actual tiger kind of fear) she has to face her thinking, ride out the storm of her Flight or Fight Response trying to get her to run (with all the attendant feelings and physical warning signals she’s come to be afraid of as well!) and then actually nail this simple truth: her worry isn’t helping.
This is hard. It may be one of the hardest pieces of work in Fear Mastery I know. But it is completely possible to do – I know from my own experience. I reached this place too in my life – this ugly habit of having to find something to worry about. It requires thinking through what you can actually DO about your particular concerns, not reflexively worrying, and not holding on to the Comfort Zone belief that WORRY will keep you safe. It won’t. It can’t. Healthy concern, lucid thinking and whatever action steps you can take that make sense about a particular issue, that will help you. Not worry.
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December 31, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Laura
This reminds me of another kind of magical thinking–perfectionism. The belief if we do everything exactly right, we avoid disaster.
I believe you’re right…this is a particularly debilitating fear. Fear of letting go of the worry habit being an invitation to disaster. About the only thing that I can think of to begin to address this fear is to invite a small disaster.
Someone once told me that I should take a class and deliberately fail it. I never did…but the idea got the ball rolling in terms of my own perfectionism…and letting it go. In a similar way, inviting a small disaster (a horrible dinner or running out clean laundry), might help those of us who have a worry habit.
Another idea is to have a small worry free zone and keep track of the results. Take one to two minutes each morning and do something that takes you “out of your body.” Dance, sing, shout. If you worry, shake it out. Then see if those two minutes of worry free living lead to disaster?
Fascinating idea, Erik.
January 1, 2011 at 7:25 pm
Erik Kieser
Laura! Lovely idea, and very much in keeping with the ideas behind Fear Mastery. Any experience or practice that helps someone “sit” with the physical and emotional responses of the Flight or Fight Response, while unpacking what they’re actually afraid of (in this case, being afraid of not worrying) is THE key to shaking free of this, or any, fear. Go crazy! Take 5 minutes! 10 minutes! 🙂 Thank you for this –
January 1, 2011 at 7:08 pm
maryann mele
Oh my. You have called out something that has plagued my mother, myself and now my 19-year old daughter, who is in therapy working to release herself from the destructive nature of constant worry. She worries about everything! Including the fact that she worries all the time! Her therapist is teaching her meditation techniques…breathing techniques and helping her to identify her triggers…which lead to panic attacks of course. And now my daughter is teaching me…I think the worry habit can have physical consequences, too. The wear and tear on your body is very real. Thank you for calling this worry habit out as something that needs more exploration.
January 1, 2011 at 7:28 pm
Erik Kieser
Ms. MAM! Thank you for this note. I’m glad your daughter is learning techniques for relaxing – I’ve discussed this very thing here in the blog. I just want to gently remind you and her that the KEY to shaking past this fear is to challenge it, all the while working to relax, and moving past the responses of the Flight or Flight Reflex – the panic, the terror, they physical responses, and learning that there is NOTHING to be afraid of in letting go of worry. Concern, yes – work, no question. Worry? Useless. This takes practice. My decades of working with fear and anxiety have taught me that relaxation techniques are crucial – to help you face the actual fear and dismantle it. BOTH have to happen to acquire our freedom. Thank you for this note dear lady!
January 3, 2011 at 3:29 am
Cindy Morefield
You’ve touched on a big one here, Erik!
I think another element that powers the worry habit is the belief that worry equals care and concern. Therefore, if you don’t worry you are a callous uncaring (i.e. BAD) person, and we fear being perceived as such. However, just as with worry=control, worry=care/love is a false equation, and habitual worry actually paralyzes our ability to act in a truly caring and loving manner.
Laura, I love the parallel you’ve drawn between habitual worry and perfectionism. Very similar dynamics, it seems to me. I wonder if there are other subtle, habitual fears that fit this pattern?
January 4, 2011 at 8:08 pm
GP
Wow. Hit me right in the forehead. Addicted to worrying in the belief that if i stay every vigilant i will avoid disaster. crazy. but so hard to let go of. the absence of worry gnaws at me. only work distracts me, however temporary. Need to deal with this in 2011 or nothing will change.
March 9, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Beth
I have been looking for answers to help me with this same situation.. I am a constant worrier and it has spiraled out of control. I have tried therapists, meds, and relaxing techniques. The physical symptoms are just unbelievable and make you think you have every health problem under the sun..your explanation of it is dead on but I have been trying to do what you have in your article and it is hard to get your mind in that right place after thinking this way for 3 LONG months now.. Can you go more in detail of this triad technique please.. I do believe there is a way out of this circle of worrying and what if’s and would love some help.
thanks