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When I posted my discussion of breaking the Habit of Worry 2 posts ago I received quite a bit of feedback in email and at the blog.  People told me they liked what I said there, but that they were also looking for more specifics on what to do to shake free of that life-sucking habit.  I am VERY appreciative of this kind of feedback, as it helps me sharpen my focus on what I call the “toolbox” of Fear Mastery.  Hence, this post.  Please, I’d like very much to hear from you what you think/experience with this information as you work to shake free of your own worry habit. 

First, it is important, crucial to keep in mind that this entire situation begins in your thinking.  The reflex to worry developed in us because we taught ourselves that worrying somehow keeps us SAFE.  Let me repeat that: we are constantly finding things to worry about because we’ve trained ourselves (and our environment has helped in that training process) to worry our way to safety.

Yes, that sounds wacky, but if you have this particular piece of Comfort Zone programming, it also sounds exactly right.  It is essential to keep in your focus that you are running a series of thoughts in your head, and those thoughts are in turn triggering some degree of activation of your Flight or Fight Response.

Where I believe most of us get stuck is in those Flight or Fight Responses.  We even start to think about putting down our worrying, just for a moment, and our Comfort Zone says “HANG ON THERE BUDDY – you’re not going ANYWHERE.”  You start to experience mild to severe signals in your body and feelings, whatever those are for you.

Some of us get sweaty palms, and our hearts race (or seem to clench, or squeeze, or however you describe the sensation.)  Some of us get dry mouths, deserts really, and a headache might start up behind our eyes or in the back of our heads.  Some of us get that queasy thing in our stomachs, with maybe a pinch of chill or a feeling of mild shock.  We might feel anxious, nervous, restless, irritated, sad, angry, or some combination of all of those.  And NONE of that feels good.  All of it is that Flight or Fight Response, warning us that we’re getting close to something that we’ve LEARNED to be afraid of.  I’m betting that, for many folks reading this, just the list of possible responses/sensations has you feeling uncomfortable – yes?

OK.  Stay calm.  This is exactly where you’ll begin to find your pry-bar to shake free of this tedious habit.  Because NOTHING, absolutely nothing, is wrong right now.  That’s not to say that your brain hasn’t started to race somewhat, and you’re beginning to cast around for something to worry about.

It may not take much casting.  You may latch onto how your foot has been mysteriously hurting, or how your boss has been acting funny, or the way your husband or wife is suddenly seeming distant or grumpy or irritated, or maybe you’re thinking that your 401K isn’t big enough… etc.  Let me say it again: just experiencing the sensations triggered by your thoughts can stop you in your tracks from even considering taking a break from the worry habit.  But that’s all it is – sensations, feelings, all conjured by your Flight or Fight Response, trying to steer you away from the scary thoughts you’re thinking.

Isn’t it maddening?  That we can be, in very real ways, controlled by something as intangible as thoughts and feelings?  Well, we don’t have to be controlled by them.  It just takes some conscious awareness of our reactions, and a little practice challenging those reactions, and the thoughts behind them.

You have to see it as a kind of merry-go-round, which you step onto and begin furiously pushing off with one foot, spinning that thing faster and faster in your thinking.  Merry-go-rounds don’t stop on a dime.  But they do stop!  And they stop when we stop pushing off and refuse to give the thing any more energy, any more momentum.  We may have to hang on for a little while so the thing can lose power – so our bodies can relax as we deliberately challenge our thinking, then practice changing that thinking.  But those thoughts will slow and change, your body will start to relax, just like that merry-go-round.

The way to break the worry habit is to challenge it.  Call yourself out on that habit and begin the practice of changing your thinking.  This is what  I call triad – the 3 elements that make for the disruption and pushing back of the Comfort Zone:

 1) Decide that you’re ready to break this frustrating habit, and set a little time (10 minutes, to start) to just sit with yourself and challenge your thinking around the need to worry.

2) As you do that challenging, expect your body and feelings to react – the Flight or Fight Response will kick in and try to steer you away from this challenging of your fears.  You told it, after all, that this was too scary to think about, so it is just doing what you told it to do.  Ride the brief, tedious, anxiety or fear wave, and remind yourself that nothing’s wrong, nothing is any different from 10 minutes ago, you’re just doing an exercise, the world isn’t coming to an end.

3) As you’re sitting with your body sensations and feelings, identify the thinking that is scaring you in the first place.

In this case you’re afraid that if you DON’T worry something bad will happen – which you and I both know is crap.  Sure, if FEELS like that, and it is draining and scary to face that thinking down – but then it’s draining and scary to worry all the time, isn’t it?  And imagine what it would be like to not worry like this anymore?

No, the worry habit isn’t helping you – it is getting in the way.  Because worry isn’t action, and worry isn’t concern, and worry doesn’t help a (pardon my language) damn thing.  What keeps you as safe as you can be is taking concrete steps to address your worries, and then putting the worry down, letting it go, and getting on with your life. 

As I’ve said throughout this blog worry stems from turning a problem into a crisis, and thereby activating your Flight or Fight Response.  Your single goal is to move the faux crisis back to problem status.  Because a crisis is you being attacked by a Mongol Horde, or teetering on the edge of falling off a cliff, or anything that is immediately threatening to kill or seriously injure you.   Otherwise it CAN’T be a crisis, which makes it a problem. 

We’re only 16 days into the New Year of 2011.  You can begin to find real relief from this (for most of us) decades-long habit of worrying to keep safe, and you can start to find it THIS MONTH.  Don’t expect it to get done in one practice, or two.  Do expect it to rattle your cage, shake you up a bit.  That’s the Comfort Zone’s job – to get you to stay away from scary, dangerous things.

But there isn’t any danger here, and you and I both know it.  Do expect to feel tired, depleted.  Do expect to find reasons to iron the cat, wash the trees or do anything rather than this simple 10-minute exercise.  Believe me, the cat and trees can wait.  This small amount of work, even with how it feels, will produce results that will frankly amaze you.  To repeat – you will not see this move in just one session.  You’ve given this a lot of energy and time, and it will take time to change.  Not nearly as long as you took to build up the habit, but still, a little time.  Take breaks, distract yourself, relax – then try it again, the next day, in a couple of days, and keep at it.

Please, let me know how your practice goes – very happy to offer support, encouragement, clarification and cheerleading.  And please let me know if this is helping the questions you have around challenging your Comfort Zone and getting to work on your freedom.  Next up – more about unplugging those thoughts, and some of the wisdom of Dr. Susan Jeffers, the author of “Feel the Fea and Do it Anyway.”  Till then – fight for your freedom.  You can shake free of the worry habit.

I have been discussing tools for helping you do the triad of Fear Mastery in the last few posts here.  By way of review the triad is the simple (but requiring a little practice and skill) effort of doing the following things: 1) facing or addressing a fear or anxiety, 2) allowing/being present for the frightening physical and emotional sensations that accompany our fears, and 3) unpacking precisely what you’re afraid or anxious of, identifying the problem you’ve transmuted into a crisis, and turning back into a problem.

The point of today’s post is simply this: the work of the triad is the heart of this work.  It is fear, pure and simple, that stops us, freezes us in place, keeps us from moving towards something we need or want, keeps us motionless or, more likely, running in the opposite direction.  Our feelings and physical responses are working to get us to move away from the thinking or behavior that is frightening us, and our Comfort Zone wants to wall that scary thing away from our conscious thought.  To gain our freedom we HAVE to bring the issue to consciousness, endure the Flight or Fight’s burst of feelings and sensations, and deliberately move that scary thing from reactive fear to proactive problem to solve.  End of story.

I am NOT saying this is easy.  No, for most of us it is hard, at least at the start, because for most of us it is scary as hell.  Most of us don’t have much practice in the actual triad.  We have practice enduring fear and anxiety.  We have plenty of practice reacting to our experience and our worries.  What we’re not very skillful at is facing our fears/worries/anxieties and unplugging them, making them conscious and giving them their actual importance, as opposed to the stress and worry we might habitually give them.

But saying it isn’t easy isn’t the same thing as saying it is endlessly challenging or can’t be done.  And don’t confuse easy with simple.  It is a relatively simple thing to get up and run a mile.  Just involves putting your feet on the ground and breaking into a trot.  That doesn’t mean for some of us (maybe a lot of us) that effort to run isn’t exhausting, and that we can run 5-6-7 miles whenever we choose.  We have to work up to it, build some muscle, give it some time and practice.

Same thing for facing our fears, unplugging our anxieties, dealing with our worries, and pushing the Comfort Zone back to give us the room we need and want to live our lives.  What fear is holding you back right now?  What problem-turned-crisis in your thinking is sucking the life out of you, keeping you rooted in place, holding you back from the direction you’d like to move in?  I’m not saying that you can instantly, magically break past that fear or anxiety by starting the work of facing it, enduring the burst of Comfort Zone warnings in your body and feelings, and working to unpack it, getting a clear grasp on what is scaring you, and turning into a problem.  I AM saying that this is completely do-able, completely within your reach.  I am saying that your freedom and your strength are not lost or outside your power to access.  They are here, now, with you.  And you will be amazed, amazed to find that it will be much less difficult than you’ve been (probably unconsciously) assuming.  Hard and scary at the start?  Almost certainly.  But it is hard and scary now.  Why wait any longer?

What do you want?  Do you want your freedom?  Do you want to be unafraid of your finances, your relationship issues, your job, your retirement, your physical condition, your neighbors, the economy?  OK.  Then let’s get started.  Review this blog.  Identify what problems you’ve morphed into crises.  Pick a place to start.  Give yourself tools like affirmations, meditative practices, exercise, distractions, friendship support, and a comfortable bed (you’ll need your sleep for this work!)  Then get up and start practicing.  You don’t have to stay afraid.  You don’t have to wait any longer.  The only thing you’re waiting on is… you.

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