So is it enough to identify the lies that your fear is tell you, or do you need to find the root cause, the very beginning of that fear in order to “unpack” it all?
I smiled with recognition as this brought to mind so many exchanges of ‘what would you like for dinner (or to do, or where to go etc.) where my standard response would be the unhelpful ‘whatever you want’. I guess it’s knowing the difference between truly being open and unaffected by others’ choices and the moments where you do in fact have an opinion or desire that matters to you and be willing to express it.
Your small story is indeed a good example of the everyday ways we suppress our own desires out of fear/anxiety and wanting to please. This is me for sure. So starting by working on feeling ok with boundaries in the small ways can prepare us to be mindful of it in the broader sense in our relationships.
Thank you Erik.
What i need to know is… my eleven year old daughter has anxiety that has got worse from 5 to now.
She got bullied at school.. now refuses to go in the class. The councilors have got her on meds..
im not happy bout these meds playing with her brain.. but she looked like she was going to have a nervous break down…
how do you teach a child to manage or get rid of this crap..
or is it due to an allergy?
Maude – thanks for your note. I understand and respect your concern about the impact of long-term medication on your daughter. This is a longer answer than makes sense to put here – please feel free to hit me at my email – erik.kieser@yahoo.com – for a more in-depth discussion.
A brief answer is no, I don’t think this is anything like an allergy – and the question would be allergy to what? You’re describing from your brief note pretty serious anxiety, and that can certainly start in someone as young as 5 years old. Left unchecked it can grow – no question about that. The million dollar question is – what thinking has she developed into a habit that is driving this anxiety? What did she take away from the bullying, what is is she maintaining (without any conscious intention, obviously) that is making her anxious?
I have been battling with anxiety since 2004 and at times it is controllable and at times its almost out of control. I am under medication..Mirtaz but I want to stop taking this drugs and get over with this anxiety. I have some major experiences…a bad marriage that ends with divorce and death of my two parents. It is at that time that I started to experience anxiety and got a full blown repeated episodes of panic attacks in 2004 November. From that time, I get mild panic attacks and I feel its time I dealt with this anxiety and live an anxiety free life. Please help me. Thanks
Karen – I’m going to shoot you an email so I can respond more fully, but a couple of things right now:
1) You CAN deal with this anxiety and live a life where anxiety is just one more emotion – a servant and an ally, not an enemy.
2) Glad you’re with us here on the blog!
you can’t believe how happy i am to find this site, anxiety and panic attacks and fear have been ruling my life for the last two years, after reading everything i could on your site, the weight that has lifted off my shoulders is unbelieveable what i was able to achieve in a matter of hours how much better and not alone and confident i felt. For the first time after doctors, therapists & self help books etc finally someone, something that made sense that i could relate to even if it was frightening. My problems haven’t gone YET but if feel stronger.
Like I just said in a response this morning to another blog comment, isn’t it remarkable what a little good information can do? Brilliant to hear that you’re feeling relief from this writing/discussion here at the blog. It also is good to hear that you don’t see this as magic – that your problems didn’t just melt away in the wind – but that you’re seeing things much more clearly, and you have hope that you can knock this stuff out. You are stronger than you know Evelyn! Anxiety and fear can be so debilitating, can talk us into thinking that we’re NOT strong, that we CAN’T overcome these challenges…
But the great news is we can, and it isn’t too much for us to handle. Glad you’re with us here at Fear Mastery. Please keep us posted about what’s working for you, where you’re feeling stuck or bogged down, any encouragement you’d like to give other people – all of it is helpful. And of course feel free to hit me at the email address here at the blog if you’d like to have further discussions around the material here at the blog.
Thank you so much Erik, I have responded to your email and have read the posts you mentioned here but it is so hard at times to use that knowledge in situations of anxiety and panic, it’s a hard battle especially when you are fighting agoraphobia and depersonalisation from time to time. Does anyone here also suffer from that, I would love to hear your opinions, all the best to you all and I wish you the same that I wish for myself, a healthy normal life again with inner peace and belief in self
your not alone i had a full blown attack and agoraphobia i couldnt leave my house for months it was so bad i was in the ER everyday thinking i was losing it, so scared panicking myself into a bigger outrageous attack, not knowing who i was anymore and felt like i couldnt be the mother to my child i wanted to be, its very crippling, but dont stay there that long there is hope, you can stand up and walk out that door andd smile, the mind over the matter is a very strong thing. i didnt use medicine or anything, i dont drink and i dont smoke, i watch what i eat and no caffeine products. its not healthy anyways lol. do your best to remember the great things about life, none of the negatives and breath daily you owe it to your selves. there is a better tommorow and you have to be strong even through the crippiling lies anxiety tells your mind, overcoming it is in your power.
Sandra – thanks for this encouraging note to Neshelina. I love that you used the phrase “overcoming it is in your power.” That’s exactly right. There is a better tomorrow, and it starts with us unpacking the thinking that makes us afraid today. Really appreciate what you said here.
Hi Erik, i read in a response you wrote to someone else’s post that you could briefly explain the skills involved to use the triad technique? i would HUGELY appreciate it if you could do the same for me? I would love to try this as i’m desperate to find some relief. I will try anything. Thank you.
Naomi – thanks for your note! I have done what you’ve asked now several times for several people. Let me ask for your patience as I work through the next series of blog posts, which will do exactly what you’ve asked. I will also forward to you one of the answers that I think can at least get you started. I’m sorry for your sense of desperation – I know how life-sucking this stuff can be. Please, be as patient with yourself as you can – however awful this feels you can survive this and get rid of that sense of desperation.
I am so glad I found this blog! I first got anxiety after I had my daughter close to 2 years ago. I was put on lexapro and I took that for about a year and it helped a lot! I decided to take myself off of it though due to side effects. I was okay for about 6 months and now it’s all been coming back even worse than before! I have a lump in my throat and I’ve noticed my breathing even feels off sometimes. I always worry that it may be a serious health problem but deep down I know it’s anxiety! I am very OCD and I know that’s also a problem. I am scared to go in public and ESP crowds of people. I start to panick and think of all the bad things. I don’t know how to get rid of it! It makes me want to do nothing but sleep! I need help with this!
Glad you found us here. 🙂 And thanks for your note.
You are dealing with classic anxiety. (Which, btw, also explains your OCD.) Very common fears that you list here. And of course you want to do nothing but sleep – you feel very crowded by your anxiety, you can’t figure out what to do, so you just want to get away from it. Makes perfect sense.
You can get free of your anxiety. Let me strongly encourage you to read through the blog, especially from the start of October of 2011 through right now. In addition I will send you an email to make some more recommendations (I have a template I send out by email.) Also available for coaching if that’s useful to you!
You’re not doomed to keep suffering this. You are much smarter and stronger than your anxiety.
HI-
Just found this blog today and hope that it will become helpful to me. I have had anxiety off and on since I was a young adult. I think a majority of my anxiety has stemmed from a great fear of dying-it pretty much is an obsession. I have learned to live with this most of my adult life but lately it has become much worse and I have also developed a new fear of being home alone. My husband works out of town 7 days straight and is home 7 days. I find my anxiety level is a 10 once the sun goes down when I am home alone. I often end up sleeping on a friend/family members couch most nights but I am starting to feel like a huge pain in the butt to them. I had a full blown panic attack last week for the first time and it scared me so bad, I literally felt like I was going to die. Things are fine as long as I am not alone.I feel like this is really starting to affect my life because I am not sleeping well and my stress level is out of control. Where would you recommend I start????
Thanks for your note here at the blog, and I’m sorry you’re having this fight with anxiety!
I am responding in more detail directly to your email, but here’s the short version:
1) You have created (not intentionally, obviously) some anxiety or fear in your thinking around being alone. May or may not be linked to your fears about dying. In any event you have fallen into what I call in the blog the Chronic Anxiety Cycle – you have spun up one or more fearful outcomes of being alone, you review them in your thinking and when you do you fire up your Flight or Fight Response – you are activating your body and emotions to deal with danger, although there is no danger there…
2) Your work is to identify the scary “scenarios” you’re creating in your thinking and “unpack” them – i.e., sort them out of the crises your fear has turned them into back into the problems they actually are. I recommend that you start with the series of blog posts titled “Skill Sets” that I wrote this spring and early summer. That will give you more specifics, examples and recommended next steps.
3) Be clear on this: you don’t have to stay afraid. This is something you CAN sort out, master and move past.
Hi Erik! really glad i was directed towards this blog. Over the past couple of years I have felt increasing social anxiety to the point now where I feel it manifest into my voice. I can’t seem to speak loud enough no matter how hard I try. I just get this monotone drone that most people can only respond to with ‘what’? Doesn’t help that I’m in school to be a teacher! It has led me into a deep depression as literally every social interaction I’ve been having doesn’t go as planned. I rely on asking the person questions and being very agreeable, even when I don’t agree. The real me can’t come out because it is like I’ve digressed socially to this shell who just gets by. I can’t even seem to hold up my end of the conversation and it is extremely frustrating. It has led to a severe social anxiety whereas I was never that bad before. How can I overcome this anxiety when the attempts I consistently make are met with the exact same results? ughhh so fed up with this! Major depression has settled in and I am taking a year off school to try and fix these issues. Any advice?
Lots of advice Mr. Kev! 🙂 I’m assuming you’re reading through the blog, and I’ll respond directly to your note via email, but I thought I’d also address some of this here on the blog.
The bottom-line is you’ve developed one or more concerns/worries/fears about what might or could happen when you’re in the social situations that are making you frustrated. The issue is to address that thinking directly – identify the specifics, challenge the assumptions that you’re making (often and usually unconsciously) and then “power down” or unpack those anxious concerns back to just that – concerns, not crises, not disasters in the making, not anything except thoughts and the Flight or Fight Responses that start up as a result of that anxious thinking.
One of the most difficult things for those of us who get stuck in anxiety (at least at the start) is understanding that anxiety begins and ends in our thinking. We ALSO have very definite and often frightening responses in our body and emotions, all natural results of activating Flight or Fight, and these muddy the water/scare us as well – but the core of the problem is our thinking. When we get a handle, even a beginning grasp on this problem, we are more than half-way free of our anxiety.
I will drop you a note right now at your email! You don’t have to stay stuck in anxiety – nobody does.
Erik,
First of all THANK YOU! Thank you for taking time to help so many people. You are a God sent to many of us. Feeling alone in this is the worst and you’ve brought so many together to help us understand this.
My story: I am 43 years old a mother of 2. I have been battling anxiety and depression for at least 4 years. Well, the last 4 years have been the worst. I think it started for me when I lost my father suddenly when I was 27. Then I was in a horrible marriage that end in divorce. There was physical and mental abuse in the marriage. I suffered a broken back and was physically violated by my husband. After the divorce I meant a wonderful man, that I am still with 10 tens later and I am very happy with him. About 4 years ago my brother (my best friend) suffered a brain stem stroke. He was 40 years old at the time. It was a very hard time for the entire family. They told us he wasn’t going to make it. With the grace of God he did. He is now home and in a wheelchair with 24 hour nursing care. I began having health issues 3 years ago. The doctors kept giving anti-depression meds. I diagnosed myself with help from the internet and went to an Endro doctor. Turns out I had thyroid cancer. I am fine now, all the cancer was removed. No treatment was required because the cancer was incapsulated.
For the last 4 years I have been obsessed with my health. I check my blood pressure ALL the time and my sugar levels. I am not diabetic.
I had a dizzy spell while drive back in June and now I won’t drive myself any where. I don’t leave my house unless I’m with a close friend or my boyfriend. I feel like I have imprisoned myself because of this fear of dying or passing out. I don’t want people to see that I am weak so many of my friends may think I’m anti social. I am missing out on so much.
I have been reading parts of your blog. I don’t know where to begin.
Any advice you have for me.
First off, thanks for this note – really appreciate you writing me here at the blog.
I will respond to your note at your email address as well, but I want to also answer it here for other readers.
1) You have lots of solid reasons to have anxiety! 🙂 You’ve been through an enormous amount, and while you’ve managed things incredibly well you’ve been left with a legacy of worry and anxiety. No surprises, nothing odd or unusual here. What you’re describing IS classic anxiety, and that’s good news –
2) Because that anxiety is stemming directly from your thinking. Doesn’t have to be (and often isn’t) conscious thinking, but it is thinking nonetheless, and because of that can be brought under your control and CHANGED. You HAVE imprisoned yourself, but not deliberately.
3) Let me encourage you to start reading in the blog from 3/2/12 of this year up to the present. It will give you a solid grounding in the basics. The bottom line is that your worries are based on potential problems in your thinking – what we call “what if?” questions – and you’ve converted them into crises in your thinking – scary monsters that you’re trying to escape.
For example: you suffered through a pretty terrible marriage (sorry about that for you – shouldn’t happen to anyone.) One of the results of that is you are anxious about what COULD happen to you, even when you’re now in a good, healthy relationship – i.e., your bad experiences about the past have you worried about what MIGHT happen in the future. Doesn’t have to be rational, doesn’t have to reflect anything except the fact that you have some fears about what COULD be. That’s enough (more than enough) to trigger Flight or Fight in your brain and body, and now you’re scared – your body is trying hard to get you away from the danger in your mind – only there is no-where to run.
Or heck – you had cancer! Even though it is dealt with now and you’re fine you’re still worrying at some level about it or some other illness. Again, your thinking – “what if?” concerns that have grown into terrifying fears – and not necessarily all of them conscious.
4) In addition you’ve learned to be deeply afraid of the physical and emotional responses to Flight or Fight – that’s a large part of what keeps you indoors and afraid to make a move. That’s what I call “unplugging” – learning to discount/not take seriously the warning signals in our bodies and brains that evolved for real, immediate danger – instead of the problems and challenges we face in our lives today.
In other words, you can unpack your anxious thinking and unplug your automatic fearfulness of what’s happening in your body and feelings. You really are the master of your brain and body – it will simply take some time, practice and a little patience, especially at the beginning. 🙂
I will cut and paste this response into email – please let me know that you’ve received that. And don’t give up! You’re much closer to your freedom than it feels to you at the moment –
Thank you for your response. You truly are a very caring person..
I received your email and am work and reading daily. I left my house for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday. I spend 4 hours at a local casino with my boyfriend. I did have panic attacks while there but I did my best to ignore them.. I kept telling myself “i am still upright and breathing” I ended up breaking even so that’s a good thing too. When I came home I was so tired from fighting off the fear. Many people don’t realize how tiring this can be. Hopefully after a while of getting out it won’t be so bad. I know it’s going to take time and hard work but with the support I’m getting from you, fellow bloggers and my family I WILL get my life back 🙂
Congrats on this work you’ve done and the success you saw. It IS tiring – it is real work, physical and mental and emotional – most folks who don’t wrestle with this challenge really understand that. YOU WILL get your life back!
I just wanted to follow up on my situation with regard to using the tools you have provided in your blog. (which is a lifesaver for so many of us……thank you). I recently had to make a trip to move my young daughter into her dorm. I had to load up my husband’s pick up truck and drive her and her belongings to a place I had not driven to before and get her unloaded, find my hotel and then drive back home the next day. I had worked myself up in the week before but started to use the tools……By the time that morning came. I was determined that even though my skin was starting to crawl, I wanted this more than anything. I wanted to be able to work through it and make the “anxiety” the loser and gain strength over my thoughts. I used the “float through it” a lot that day and I lived in the moment. I was not only able to accomplish this trip (on the highway doing 75), I was then able to come home and accomplish several other events without panic. I was called for jury duty and went there with no expectations….(practiced not looking into the future and projecting). Well, low and behold I was not stricken from the list and had to serve on the jury but I did not panic. I was very vocal in deliberations and feel quite proud that I was able to fulfill my duty without being “scared to death”.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do for so many people. It’s a gift that you have and the fact that you are willing to share it with so many who are dealing with the pain is commendable. I wish you a brilliant success with your book. I think it will do well seeing that you and the universe are communicating on the same level now.
I linked to your blog through a search that I performed on Google trying to find out more information about a scam called the “triad technique”. I started reading your posts and found them to be very interesting and informative. What is the best way to use your blog? To just read it from January 2010 up until now? I’m not the most anxious person in the world but I have my ups and downs with it. I’ve been on Zoloft for the past 15 years ever since my son was born. I want to finally kick the anxiety and panic for good! My biggest problem is not having any time to devote to my own needs in an attempt to kick it! That in itself causes anxiety!
Thanks for your note here at the blog. I would recommend for the moment starting at the beginning of November 2011 and working your way up to the present moment.
Zoloft is a great tool – if used in conjunction with the work to unpack the anxious thinking that generates the need for a medication like Zoloft in the first place. You sound like you’re in a great place to tackle this work. And it is pretty classic with us anxiety-fighters to not have the time in our lives to deal with our own needs. 🙂 There’s a good place to start!
I’ll drop a note to your email as well. In the meantime please feel free to hit me here or my email (listed here at the blog) if you have questions as you do this reading. Thanks again for your note !
Hello Erik,
I would liike to share a story here.
My story is a little different than the usual one here.
The starting point for everything is the fear of vomiting.
I have had it since I was a small child. I think it originally developed because my mother had some kind of poisoning which caused her to violently throw up the whole day. She was seriously ill and pale and vomiting and I was very small and around when this happened. Since that I have had an intense fear of vomiting. When I was a child ( I am now 32) I panicked even when I heard the word vomit. And if someone in our house had the disease I didn’t sleep at all but just held my ears. And didn’t use the toilet at home for several days.
And if I myself felt nauseous I completely panicked and developed strategies how to not throw up. I have forexample sat outside in minus degrees putting snow on the top of my stomach for not to throw up. And I didn’t.
It has actually been over twenty years since I actually vomited last time.
Later on there has appeared more into this fear. I was in early teenage when we had the singing presentation at school. I felt tension and suddenly noticed that it feels liike nausea. I was horrified that I would throw up right there and I couldn’t leave the stage because our teacher was veri strict. Since that I have been afraid of presentations and shows where there is no exit. I feel intense fear and because of that I feel really nauseous and I really think that I will throw up. I never haven’t, but I really think it is possible when you experience intense anxiety. I know some people do vomit when having anxiety attack.
This differs my phobia from many others. I fear something what actually may happen. Many others fear something which is not going to happen, like losing one’s mind. And I am not afraid of anxiety, no matter how severe, if the threath of vomiting was not present. I dont care if I die, but I care if I have to vomit. And in front of people is the worst scenario.
My phobia now appears in the places with no exit. Airplanes being the worst and some middle seats in the auditorium being difficult as well. And wherever I go I scan the exit always.
I have recently realised that even though the risk of vomiting is always there, the real problem is anxiousness. If I would get rid of it, I would not feel nauseous without real reason like sickness and that you probably can anticipate on time.
I have had better and worse times with this. When I have had the possibility to workout a lot, my condition has been quite strong. No caffeine helps also and good sleeping. Now because having a baby, lack of sleep, no workout, lactating, stress and also hormones might have a role have weakened me. Lack of estrogen lets the levels of serotonine to drop.
The short answer is yes, these methods can help. They can help because ALL anxiety is the same – whether what is making us anxious could actually happen, or if it is very unlikely to happen.
The keys are in what you wrote here:
“I was horrified that I would throw up right there and I couldn’t leave the stage because our teacher was very strict”
“I feel intense fear and because of that I feel really nauseous and I really think that I will throw up.”
“I don’t care if I die, but I care if I have to vomit. And in front of people is the worst scenario.”
“It has actually been over twenty years since I actually vomited last time.”
So let me summarize:
1) It is TERRIBLE, really the worst thing ever, if you were to vomit in front of other people. It is worse than dying.
2) You haven’t in fact vomited in 2 decades.
3) Just the notion of vomiting in public (with no way to get away) scares the crap out of you.
In other words you are anticipating a very scary (to you) scenario. And in that scenario creation (something I call in the blog the indefinite negative future) you scare yourself, over and over again. You haven’t actually vomited in decades, you survived your last vomiting episode all those years ago, but you have yourself very frightened of the possibility of vomiting again, someday, in a place where you can’t get away from being in public.
You keep asking yourself “what if I vomit and I can’t get to a private place?” That fires up your Flight or Fight response (because this scares you deeply) and of course nausea is one of Flight or Fight’s responses! Ugh! 🙂 So it can become a vicious circle…
On top of all that you’re busy with a new baby, sleep-deprived, unable to exercise and you’re still coursing with hormones. Your shields/defenses are down, so this ancient fear has a fertile field to play in your thinking at the moment.
So what to do?
1) Start unpacking your “what if” questions around vomiting. Why is this so bad for you? You’re right – sometimes people vomit when they get anxious. It’s pretty rare, but it has happened.
But that’s not really the problem. What makes this so scary for YOU? What does your dark future scenario thinking tell you will be the outcome of such an event? Everybody throws up now and again – part of being alive, having intestines and such. 🙂 You’re expecting something terrible to happen, or more than one terrible thing to happen, if you are in a situation where you throw up and other folks witness it.
I call this unpacking your fearful thinking. You’ve got one or more stories running in your thinking that make this scary – what are they?
Try listing out your thinking on paper, or on a computer. Just write and don’t think too hard about it – see what comes. Expect this to generate some anxiety, obviously – and if you can’t do it for more than a couple of minutes at the start, that’s fine – take a break and come back to it in an hour, or the next morning.
Once you’ve done some of that consider what you find yourself thinking/writing about. It is a remarkable thing to say that you’re not afraid of death, but you are afraid of vomiting in public. Why? You dying – that’s pretty final. 🙂 You vomiting – well, it isn’t pleasant, and we’ll feel badly for you, and then we’ll get a mop and some wipes and help you clean up, and it will be over. But it doesn’t stop there in your thinking, right? It’s much worse than that…
Except it isn’t. We have to sort out where you’ve turned this, literally, into a crisis in your thinking – when all it is, however uncomfortable and tedious and even embarrassing, is just a potential, might-happen-some-day, problem (if it’s that.)
2) Expect Flight or Fight to rear up and freak you out – including nausea. Remember that those responses don’t carry any special meaning, however much they make you afraid. I call this unplugging – literally discounting the importance of those Flight or Fight physical and emotional warnings of danger. Again, this will probably be hard to do at the start of your writing work, but take breaks as you need and practice calmly reminding yourself that you’re just sorting out fearful thinking, which is in turn making you generate Flight or Fight reactions.
Takes some practice, obviously. 🙂
3) Feel free to start an email exchange with me – more than happy to lend a hand in helping you sort this out. I’m pretty confident that you can sort this out pretty quickly – you sound smart and rational.
I will send a copy of this to your email. You can get rid of this fear! Looking forward to hearing from you –
I have been doing the unpacking work and also taken care of physical excersize. Last week I felt horrible and really messed up. But this week it is completely different. I feel so much better in many ways.
I think I should probably do the unpacking work in smaller pieces. Otherwice the night after unpacking writing is very restless and weird.
Anywya, I have been even surprised to see that this seems to be working at some degree already now. Wow!
Of course I still have many doubts if this could really solve the whole issue.
But a relief in whatever degree is more than wanted.
The biggest thing is that maybe my thoughts really could change. I have felt like some of my thoughts are like a solid part of me and they could not change at all. But maybe they can change after all. And why couldn`t they?
They are just thoughts. But like you have written here, my thoughts and fears around them are a result of very hard thinking work of years and years. It will take time to get them downloaded.
Thank you for this note Ms. Anna! I really appreciate your kind words here. I really liked what you said about how you thought that your thoughts “are like a solid part of me.” It is definitely what I believed for a very long time, and it was a giant brain shift to see thinking as fluid, evolving and much more under my control than I knew.
It’s my pleasure to do this blog just to get notes like this! Thank you again –
man i hope someone out there can help me. i have been suffering from anxiety/panic for so very long. i have a fear of open places/spaces/fields, fear of driving (the farther away from home i get the worse the anxiety gets, fear of busy roads (i spend incredible amounts of time avoiding “trigger” roads and take back roads. I’m to the point now where i cannot even ride in the passenger seat of a vehicle for fear of having a panic attack and not being able to pull over and escape, which causes an actual panic attack. just yesterday i went with a friend just up the road and we took her car (i insisted on driving so i could be in control), but when we went to return, she grabbed the keys and got in the drivers seat. i immediately started sweating, heart pounding and just wanted to get out of the vehicle. it was literally a 4 block ride but it exhausted me. and the whole time im thinking to myself “why is this happening to me? why cant i overcome this irrational fear? there is no REAL danger here”. somehow i have programmed my brain to respond to these situations with panic, which has lead to an ever-shrinking world for me. i used to be able go on road trips and think nothing of it. now i have a trip to Chicago (166 miles) planned for Jan 29th to see a concert that i so badly want to see, but i just don’t think i can do it. i even mapped out walking there as a way to avoid any other type of transportation ; as flying, ride along’s, driving, public transportation all cause debilitating anxiety. i have cancelled 4 out of the last 5 road trips that i had planned. its like inside i know that i HAVE to go thru this to master it, but repetition just seems to make it worse. i lack the coping skills i guess. i am so worn down and tired of dealing with this illness. i have researched (like all of us) and i just cant find the answer. this thought process has got its claws in me. i want to be “me” again. it has cost me relationships, jobs, friendships, and has left me depressed and insecure. help me please.
Nothing is as life-sucking as anxiety when it starts shutting down your freedom. I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this crap!
I’m going to send you an email directly in just a minute, but in case you see this first I just want to say one quick thing: this fear you’re fighting is being generated by very specific “what if?” questions that you’ve (unintentionally) gotten focused on (largely unconsciously) and you can identify and sort that thinking out. You don’t have to stay trapped.
I am so happy to have discovered this blog after hours and hours of internet research that just led to advertisements and medication! I have read through so many of the posts and watched several of the videos. Thank you so much, Erik, for being willing to repeat the same things over and over again, in a very personal way, to each of us that suffer from anxiety! 😉 It’s good to know I’m not alone in this and that there is help.
So, my story: I recently went through a breakup which I believe has set everything off. I have had panic attacks periodically throughout life (I am 31) but over the past week things have escalated to only having periodic moments of normalcy. At first I had just one panic attack a day for the first 2 days. I recognised what was happening and was able to shut it down in an hour. The third and fourth days I had prolonged panic attacks at work. Very embarassing, not to mention, incredibly tiring to “keep it together” until I could bolt from work. I have found that my “safe place” is lying on the bathroom floor in my apartment….the only thing that will calm me down. Very little else needs to happen, before you realise a serious problem, than an adult lying on their bathroom floor for any length of time. 😉 I began my first day of school yesterday, first day of the spring semester that is, I’ve attended this school for 2 years now. I only had 1 class and needed to purchase a parking pass in a building a few streets down before attending. I must mention that, as many of the previous bloggers have mentioned, I have a lot of anxiety built around driving. The further I get from home, the more I panic. So, I started breaking down and quickly called my sister for reassurance. She stayed on the phone with me for over 2 hours while I mustered every bit of courage I had to walk in, buy a parking pass, cry in the parking lot, drive to the school, and cry again in the parking lot for an extended period of time because I couldn’t get out of the car. I finally gathered myself enough to make it to class. The entire hour I was there (which felt an eternity) my palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, I could hardly concentrate, I could barely find my voice, and I reeked of sweat and fear. I just kept telling myself that if I could make it through the hour, I would be able to go back to my safe place. Immediately after the class was over I felt a wave of relief……then I had to drive back home in rush hour traffic. By the time I got home….all I could do was curl up on the bathroom floor and try to pass out.
I realise that so much of what is crippling me is my fear of being alone. My family lives hundreds of miles away from me and I rarely get to see them. Life revolves around work, school, and my many expectations for the future. In fact, I believe my whole life lately has been devoted to what will happen in the future and just getting through the present. Anyways, these anxiety issues are forcing me to acknowledge the very present while still obsessing about the future. I haven’t returned to work yet. I don’t want to lose my job….and I don’t feel fearful of that right now….but I know that if I can’t return soon, that I will need to figure something out. I have read about the triad technique and have begun journaling….unpacking to follow. 😉 Are there any specific techniques I can use during an episode, however, to help snap me out….myself? I feel like I haven’t been able to unpack anything yet…..or reframe my crises…..I just found this site yesterday! Any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!
I sent you a short response last night directly to your email, and will follow-up this morning with a longer one. I’m sorry you’re in the grip of this series of panic attacks – I know how frustrating, draining and scary they can be. I listed out the quick-help techniques that seem to work best in that email – deep, controlled breathing, full-body stretching, cardio movement of almost any kind and deliberate challenging of the meaning of panic attack Flight or Fight responses. All of these can help pull you out of the hole that a panic attack tries to dig for you.
The larger question is what anxious thoughts are triggering these panic attacks in the first place – or, more accurately, what anxious thoughts have brought you to a place where you find yourself so anxious that you’re experiencing panic attacks. You mentioned here that you’ve done some blog reading and that you’re starting an anxiety journal – good news. You’re probably best served in the blog at this point (as of 1/14/13) to read the blog entries from 11/20/11 through 8/8/12 to get the best summary of the framework and techniques I’ve articulated/summarized.
Bottom-line: Panic attacks are scary, freaky, they seem to come out of the blue, but they are in fact simply our brains and bodies reacting to extreme stress, stress brought on by our thinking. This entire fight begins and ends in our thinking.
I have realised today that I have in many situations made my life more difficult by trying to hide my fears and phobias. Making sure they will not be seen. Life would have been easier if I would have been more open about them. Trying to hide and being ashamed of them creates even more pressure to situations.
Linked to this I have been thinking how much of the stuff you absolutely hate (OK because of your fears) you should still be doing? I have for example tried to do so called exposure in many places many times.
And it hasn`t gone so well. I have only streghtened the link between my thoughts and my bodily reactions. So the exposure is not working unless your thinking is changing. If your thinking remains the same, exposure only strengtens your fear. At least when it comes to me.
What is the benefit if you force yourself to go somewhere repeatedly and you absolutely hate every moment there? Yes, you can go and are by that sense not limited but what is the point of going and hating?
And also in general I think it is OK to fear and hate some things and then not to do them! It`s like someone would be afraid of and hate playing baseball and
he continuously went to play. To see if he at the end would not be afraid and would enjoy of it.
Wouldn`t it be better to find something that he liked and spent his time with that? Maybe yes.
This was just to point out that it is OK to fear something and to skip something.
BUT when it is a phobia that remarkably restricts your life and stops you from doing the things you WOULD love to do, then there is a strong point to try to overcome a phobia. Of course.
This was just to point out that we fear/phobia people sometimes forget to listen what we really would love to do. We may be so concentrated to our phobia and how to get rid of it that we can not even see that there are a lot of things we can enjoy today weather we have or have`t the phobia. Our fear/phobia is not us! There is SO MUCH more.
Let`s keep that on mind!
Thank you for this very thoughtful and spot-on note Ms. Anna! There is a LOT of room for confronting, unpacking and sorting out the thinking that makes us anxious in the first place – it is after all the heart of the problem, and we won’t shake free of anxiety until we, one way or another, change/reframe our thinking to break up that anxious thinking.
Having said that you’re exactly right – anxiety sucks the life and joy out of our souls, and we can get caught up in both fighting off anxiety and feeling like there isn’t any point to anything (from exhaustion, from fear of triggering anxiety bursts or panic attacks, from the gray cloud of depression that is one of the outcomes of anxiety). But it is rare that we can’t find anything at all to make us smile or distract us from our anxiety and the work to overcome it.
And you raise another excellent and brilliant point: exposure to anxious situations or fear-triggering situations can actually make matters worse unless we are ALSO getting a handle on what is making us anxious in the first place. This isn’t necessarily true for some smaller fears (although it can be very true there as well) – i.e., fear of riding a rollar-coaster, fear of small dogs, fear of clowns, etc. Sometimes exposure and no bad result of that exposure can cut someone loose. Or not! Because all of this lies deeply rooted in our thinking.
I want to commet Erik`s latest blog post “I can only see one Path when I am in the crisis mode”.
It is so true! I was walking outside and literally realised that, I felt that.
I was thinking about my own situation with fears again and I really felt the stuckness in my head. Like I had only few thoughts going through and others just were sucked into a messy little ball inside of my head.
I think it is this time, energy, life and joy sucking creature in my head.
I have created it and I should be able to unpack it also.
Another day when I was unpacking my fears I felt the opposite feeling.
Movement, space and more freedom inside.
I don`t know if I did something wrong the other time.
Or maybe it is part of the unpacking process.
Anna: I would argue that this is VERY much a part of the unpacking process. Some days, especially at the beginning of this work, it feels like you’ve just opened a messy closet and everything just falls out – a big jumbled mess. Other days the sorting/unpacking comes easier, and you can feel things get cleaned up.
It will vary around issues like your energy level, how much this particular piece of scary thinking shakes you and your at-that-moment success in reframing the crisis back into a problem in your thinking.
It is slow and steady work – and I wish it was fast and instant. 🙂
I hope you could share something with my anxiety towards my work. I am a nurse, just new here in the U.S., migrated to be a nurse here. after my orientation and alone on the floor with patients, this is where my anxiety comes in. Before going to work, anxiety comes in and keeps on blaming myself why we migrated here wherein we were doing good in our previous place (country). I am married with 2 kids and every time work comes, my world turns upside down. Have to argue with my husband with regrets why we moved here. I cant stand it. I work night shifts, 12 hrs, after work, having a hard time sleeping. One thing that causes my anxiety is tiredness due to lack of sleep. I hope you could give me some inouts on what I should to to conquer all of this. Reality, going back to my previous place would be so hard considering I will be starting all over again. My husband cannot work since he is taking care of the kids. Hope you could give me some insights how to battle this anxiety and depression which leads to me crying out alone in the closet.. Hope to hear from you. Thanks.
I just wrote the message below directly to your email –
Yes, exhaustion feeds anxiety – no question about that. Let me first encourage you as much as I can to carve out a little more sleeptime, as much as possible, to help you as you sort out what’s making you anxious. Clear thinking and emotional “levelness” are usually compromised by lack of sleep. I’m also curious – what is your eating like? Are you getting enough to eat, and are you eating healthy – i.e., no junk food, getting some greens in your diet, getting some protein, etc.? That makes a difference too (as you know as a nurse!)
On to your anxiety: I’m hearing a couple of issues. It sounds like work (being new, far from home, alone on the floor, etc.) is stressing you, and it sounds like challenges between you and your husband are also feeding your anxiety. Does that sound right?
I don’t know how far you’ve read in the blog, but in case you haven’t, read the blog posts from 11/20/11 through 8/8/12. That’s a fair amount of reading, but it will give you the basics of this framework and help you start sorting this out. Bottom-line – you’re generating fears about the future in your thinking – asking yourself “what if?” questions about not succeeding in your job, making your husband upset, having to go home after coming here – does that sound right? What if this doesn’t work out? What if you have to start over again? Questions like that?
Your anxiety is rooted in that kind of thinking. It is stressing your body, for sure, but it starts (and ends) in your thinking. So your work will involve identifying where you are worrying about the future, specifically, and pulling apart/challenging that thinking, working to come BACK to the present (not living in fear up in the future) and reframing what you’re afraid of –
Please hit me back by email if you like, and we can start a dialogue there. You CAN sort this out!
Hi, I’ve spent hours now reading this blog and many of the posts and can’t help but remain very sceptical about what it is you can do for us sufferers other than offer reassurance?? I mean no disrespect what so ever but I have read nothing from yourself that can actually help..well with me anyway. Everyone on here has every symptom I’ve ever experienced & reading that in its self make me feel a tiny bit better but still no answer of the process or techniques required to rid myself of these awful life time curse of symptoms. Whilst I appreciate your extremely kind comments and reassurance I feel pretty much the same as I did before I found this blog…. Which is a shame because everyone here feels much better now?? Am I missing something?? Please give me details of how to move forward with this, how can I put this next bit with out sounding rude?? I don’t need kind words I need the method you speak of, I need what ever it it you offer to do this. My last ounce of energy will go into what ever you can offer.
Kindest regards
Let’s see how I do at efficiently answering your question. 🙂
1) How much have you read of the blog? On the assumption that you’ve read only the most recent posts please review the posts that run from 11/20/11 through 8/8/12. Those posts lay out the basic framework and the starting steps to dealing with anxiety/depression.
2) The bottom line for the entire discussion of anxiety is this: we, for a variety of reasons, start responding to problems (i.e., challenges, issues in our lives, assumptions we make or learn about who we should be/do, worries, etc.) as if they were crises (i.e., life-or-death threats that can injure or kill us RIGHT NOW.) This process is rarely (if ever) conscious. Something in our thinking scares us, that fear activates our Fight or Fight Reflex (which I call Flight or Fight, for reasons articulated in the blog), we flinch back from the frightening thinking/worries about the future, and we begin to create a habit of anxiety in our thinking around that topic or topics.
What can make this sorting out of this habit is
a) The length of time we’ve been doing it (often years or decades)
b) The very nature of Flight or Fight. It evolved to GET US AWAY from what scares us – which can make, at the beginning of this work, the work of “unpacking” our fearful thinking a challenging and exhausting task. It is work that we can do – it is just very often draining to start that work and stay with it for the first little while.
3) One last issue can muddy the waters, namely our often desperate desire (as I know from my own experience) to get rid of anxiety NOW. We don’t want to hear (many of us, anyway) that it will take a little time (months, probably, depending on how long a person has been developing habits of anxiety around how many issues) and patient effort to shake free of reflexive anxious thinking.
4) I am MORE than happy to start a dialogue with you by email (or even by Skype) as you wade into this work, as well as answer your questions. I am still refining how this material is best communicated as I finish my second draft of a book around this topic, and I welcome the opportunity to discuss/review this material. If that’s interesting/useful to you –
I just sent this response in an email to you. Thank you again for your note here at the blog, and I look forward to hearing from you –
I’ve been working my way thorugh the blog (I would strongly advise people start as Erik says around the September 2011 area, I started at the latest stuff but the older work gives vital context and structure) I have spoken with Erik via email too.
In essence I have health anxiety from a particularly tough illness 6 years ago, I have searched the web for years, seen therapists (some good, some bad) and medicated with sodas, cigarettes, prozac (for a time) and for other ‘distractions’ I am on my way to cracking this issue and can say with absolute conviction that the work Erik does here is by far the most accurate I have read, both in practical terms, in how the anxiety cycle actually operates. I don’t say this lightly, we anxiety sufferes are deeply sceptical folk but my convcition lies around one central point- test it. Move out of your comfort zone- see what happens (in small steps) Test whether you are feeling just a central fear or if you too are carrying a fear of the fear too as I have. Sit there and ask your anxiety to do it’s very best, ‘give me what you have’ (gently again) and I bet you a short time later you will have moved on to other thoughts/activities- repeat and repeat again. It’s tough but it’s like taking off a mask I find, now more and more I get more glimpses of the real me underneath 🙂
I guess what I am trying to say is a big thank you to Erik for creating such a thorough road map for me to put my experiences through. It’s hard, crappy work, it takes immense practice, patience and care (do not give yourself a timescale) I read and re-read the blog, hell I’ve learnt the habits of my anxiety so well for years I figure I should do the same to tame the beast!! I’m on my way, it’s gonna take time but each tme I slide towards the gloom I test what I am feeling; ‘Had this before? Yep, did it hurt me last time? Nope! Ok so we know what is going on- calm, unpack, face up to it, discount the meaning’
Good luck to you all and thank you Erik, your work is tremendous.
Thank you Ms. Lee! This comment is deeply appreciated. I’m VERY grateful you called out the nature of the work – that it is “hard and crappy” for some period, different for each of us, but it is the way to shake free of this junk called anxiety! Thank you again!
Just curious, my anxiety seemed to start with menopause. I started getting palpitations and it went from there to uncontrollable leg shaking. I mean serious shaking, then breathing problems. It all started to steamroll. I recently had Gallbladder surgery and thought perhaps my GB was the cause of the palpitations (vagus nerve) and it would fix it. But here I am on my 3rd day w/o my gb and have the worse panic attacks ever. I feel so beyond hope right now. The only thing that calms me down is xanax. I’ve been popping them like crazy for some peace of mind.
I’m not terribly surprised to hear that your current fight with anxiety occurred in step with menopause. I am no doctor and would not presume to draw a direct connection, but I can say if nothing else that menopause can be a pretty anxiety-generating time for a lot of women. The symptoms you’re describing can certainly be explained by anxiety – restless motion, breathing issues, panic attacks in general.
The blazing question is what specific thinking (likely unconscious or semi-conscious) is making you anxious, and in turn firing up your Flight or Fight response (which is the source of the physical and emotional reactions you’re having at the moment.) Start to identify what is making you anxious in your thinking and you begin to have a real lever to diminish and dispel your anxiety.
Feel free to hit me at my email address and we can do some “unpacking”, as I call it, of the thinking that is lurking behind your anxious body.
Thank you once again for keeping this blog! I really enjoyed your November post about how we anxiety fighters feel our bodies as strangers. We are not comfortable there, don’t accept bodily functions and are afraid of them.
I have little by little found relief to my f&f nausea. I have sometimes managed to cool my body and mind during the attack by thinking that it probably will not lead to vomiting. It never has. It is just a little similar sensaation that I felt as ten years old when I was see sick. And also I have managed to think that it is not a catastrophe to vomit infront of others. It is just my personallista catastrophe and I am stressed about how would I survive such a thing. But hey, of course I would survive.
It is a pitty that I haven’t got any adult during my childhood with whom to speak about this. I think this really has had and still has a
remarkably effect to my whole life. And it is such a small thing.
I have got so much help and sense to this crap that I really throughly
appreciate the work you do here. 🙂
Thank you a ton for these great comments – I’m humbled. Can’t say enough how glad I am that you’re finding value in the writing.
And of course you are exactly right – it is NUTS that most of us didn’t get any adult guidance or input when it could have made an incredible difference…
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April 25, 2010 at 11:58 pm
The Get Inspired! Project » Blog Archive » Day 133: Erik Kieser
[…] For more information about Erik Kieser: http://www.erikcomm.com, fearmastery.wordpress.com […]
July 28, 2010 at 12:23 am
Susie
So is it enough to identify the lies that your fear is tell you, or do you need to find the root cause, the very beginning of that fear in order to “unpack” it all?
December 24, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Beth
I smiled with recognition as this brought to mind so many exchanges of ‘what would you like for dinner (or to do, or where to go etc.) where my standard response would be the unhelpful ‘whatever you want’. I guess it’s knowing the difference between truly being open and unaffected by others’ choices and the moments where you do in fact have an opinion or desire that matters to you and be willing to express it.
Your small story is indeed a good example of the everyday ways we suppress our own desires out of fear/anxiety and wanting to please. This is me for sure. So starting by working on feeling ok with boundaries in the small ways can prepare us to be mindful of it in the broader sense in our relationships.
Thank you Erik.
November 9, 2011 at 5:13 am
Maude Stephens
What i need to know is… my eleven year old daughter has anxiety that has got worse from 5 to now.
She got bullied at school.. now refuses to go in the class. The councilors have got her on meds..
im not happy bout these meds playing with her brain.. but she looked like she was going to have a nervous break down…
how do you teach a child to manage or get rid of this crap..
or is it due to an allergy?
November 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Erik Kieser
Maude – thanks for your note. I understand and respect your concern about the impact of long-term medication on your daughter. This is a longer answer than makes sense to put here – please feel free to hit me at my email – erik.kieser@yahoo.com – for a more in-depth discussion.
A brief answer is no, I don’t think this is anything like an allergy – and the question would be allergy to what? You’re describing from your brief note pretty serious anxiety, and that can certainly start in someone as young as 5 years old. Left unchecked it can grow – no question about that. The million dollar question is – what thinking has she developed into a habit that is driving this anxiety? What did she take away from the bullying, what is is she maintaining (without any conscious intention, obviously) that is making her anxious?
Please, hit me and let’s talk more about this.
December 5, 2011 at 6:58 am
Karen
I have been battling with anxiety since 2004 and at times it is controllable and at times its almost out of control. I am under medication..Mirtaz but I want to stop taking this drugs and get over with this anxiety. I have some major experiences…a bad marriage that ends with divorce and death of my two parents. It is at that time that I started to experience anxiety and got a full blown repeated episodes of panic attacks in 2004 November. From that time, I get mild panic attacks and I feel its time I dealt with this anxiety and live an anxiety free life. Please help me. Thanks
December 5, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Erik Kieser
Karen – I’m going to shoot you an email so I can respond more fully, but a couple of things right now:
1) You CAN deal with this anxiety and live a life where anxiety is just one more emotion – a servant and an ally, not an enemy.
2) Glad you’re with us here on the blog!
Erik Kieser
January 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Evelyn O'Riordan
you can’t believe how happy i am to find this site, anxiety and panic attacks and fear have been ruling my life for the last two years, after reading everything i could on your site, the weight that has lifted off my shoulders is unbelieveable what i was able to achieve in a matter of hours how much better and not alone and confident i felt. For the first time after doctors, therapists & self help books etc finally someone, something that made sense that i could relate to even if it was frightening. My problems haven’t gone YET but if feel stronger.
Thank you. x
Evelyn
January 18, 2012 at 6:31 pm
Erik Kieser
Like I just said in a response this morning to another blog comment, isn’t it remarkable what a little good information can do? Brilliant to hear that you’re feeling relief from this writing/discussion here at the blog. It also is good to hear that you don’t see this as magic – that your problems didn’t just melt away in the wind – but that you’re seeing things much more clearly, and you have hope that you can knock this stuff out. You are stronger than you know Evelyn! Anxiety and fear can be so debilitating, can talk us into thinking that we’re NOT strong, that we CAN’T overcome these challenges…
But the great news is we can, and it isn’t too much for us to handle. Glad you’re with us here at Fear Mastery. Please keep us posted about what’s working for you, where you’re feeling stuck or bogged down, any encouragement you’d like to give other people – all of it is helpful. And of course feel free to hit me at the email address here at the blog if you’d like to have further discussions around the material here at the blog.
January 19, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Neshelina
Thank you so much Erik, I have responded to your email and have read the posts you mentioned here but it is so hard at times to use that knowledge in situations of anxiety and panic, it’s a hard battle especially when you are fighting agoraphobia and depersonalisation from time to time. Does anyone here also suffer from that, I would love to hear your opinions, all the best to you all and I wish you the same that I wish for myself, a healthy normal life again with inner peace and belief in self
February 25, 2012 at 7:06 pm
sandra
neshelina,
your not alone i had a full blown attack and agoraphobia i couldnt leave my house for months it was so bad i was in the ER everyday thinking i was losing it, so scared panicking myself into a bigger outrageous attack, not knowing who i was anymore and felt like i couldnt be the mother to my child i wanted to be, its very crippling, but dont stay there that long there is hope, you can stand up and walk out that door andd smile, the mind over the matter is a very strong thing. i didnt use medicine or anything, i dont drink and i dont smoke, i watch what i eat and no caffeine products. its not healthy anyways lol. do your best to remember the great things about life, none of the negatives and breath daily you owe it to your selves. there is a better tommorow and you have to be strong even through the crippiling lies anxiety tells your mind, overcoming it is in your power.
-sandra
February 28, 2012 at 8:57 am
Erik Kieser
Sandra – thanks for this encouraging note to Neshelina. I love that you used the phrase “overcoming it is in your power.” That’s exactly right. There is a better tomorrow, and it starts with us unpacking the thinking that makes us afraid today. Really appreciate what you said here.
February 27, 2012 at 8:09 am
naomi
Hi Erik, i read in a response you wrote to someone else’s post that you could briefly explain the skills involved to use the triad technique? i would HUGELY appreciate it if you could do the same for me? I would love to try this as i’m desperate to find some relief. I will try anything. Thank you.
February 28, 2012 at 8:55 am
Erik Kieser
Naomi – thanks for your note! I have done what you’ve asked now several times for several people. Let me ask for your patience as I work through the next series of blog posts, which will do exactly what you’ve asked. I will also forward to you one of the answers that I think can at least get you started. I’m sorry for your sense of desperation – I know how life-sucking this stuff can be. Please, be as patient with yourself as you can – however awful this feels you can survive this and get rid of that sense of desperation.
May 29, 2012 at 8:15 am
Amanda
I am so glad I found this blog! I first got anxiety after I had my daughter close to 2 years ago. I was put on lexapro and I took that for about a year and it helped a lot! I decided to take myself off of it though due to side effects. I was okay for about 6 months and now it’s all been coming back even worse than before! I have a lump in my throat and I’ve noticed my breathing even feels off sometimes. I always worry that it may be a serious health problem but deep down I know it’s anxiety! I am very OCD and I know that’s also a problem. I am scared to go in public and ESP crowds of people. I start to panick and think of all the bad things. I don’t know how to get rid of it! It makes me want to do nothing but sleep! I need help with this!
May 29, 2012 at 8:41 am
Erik Kieser
Amanda:
Glad you found us here. 🙂 And thanks for your note.
You are dealing with classic anxiety. (Which, btw, also explains your OCD.) Very common fears that you list here. And of course you want to do nothing but sleep – you feel very crowded by your anxiety, you can’t figure out what to do, so you just want to get away from it. Makes perfect sense.
You can get free of your anxiety. Let me strongly encourage you to read through the blog, especially from the start of October of 2011 through right now. In addition I will send you an email to make some more recommendations (I have a template I send out by email.) Also available for coaching if that’s useful to you!
You’re not doomed to keep suffering this. You are much smarter and stronger than your anxiety.
Erik
August 13, 2012 at 5:39 pm
Heather
HI-
Just found this blog today and hope that it will become helpful to me. I have had anxiety off and on since I was a young adult. I think a majority of my anxiety has stemmed from a great fear of dying-it pretty much is an obsession. I have learned to live with this most of my adult life but lately it has become much worse and I have also developed a new fear of being home alone. My husband works out of town 7 days straight and is home 7 days. I find my anxiety level is a 10 once the sun goes down when I am home alone. I often end up sleeping on a friend/family members couch most nights but I am starting to feel like a huge pain in the butt to them. I had a full blown panic attack last week for the first time and it scared me so bad, I literally felt like I was going to die. Things are fine as long as I am not alone.I feel like this is really starting to affect my life because I am not sleeping well and my stress level is out of control. Where would you recommend I start????
August 17, 2012 at 9:05 am
Erik Kieser
Heather:
Thanks for your note here at the blog, and I’m sorry you’re having this fight with anxiety!
I am responding in more detail directly to your email, but here’s the short version:
1) You have created (not intentionally, obviously) some anxiety or fear in your thinking around being alone. May or may not be linked to your fears about dying. In any event you have fallen into what I call in the blog the Chronic Anxiety Cycle – you have spun up one or more fearful outcomes of being alone, you review them in your thinking and when you do you fire up your Flight or Fight Response – you are activating your body and emotions to deal with danger, although there is no danger there…
2) Your work is to identify the scary “scenarios” you’re creating in your thinking and “unpack” them – i.e., sort them out of the crises your fear has turned them into back into the problems they actually are. I recommend that you start with the series of blog posts titled “Skill Sets” that I wrote this spring and early summer. That will give you more specifics, examples and recommended next steps.
3) Be clear on this: you don’t have to stay afraid. This is something you CAN sort out, master and move past.
Erik
August 29, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Kev
Hi Erik! really glad i was directed towards this blog. Over the past couple of years I have felt increasing social anxiety to the point now where I feel it manifest into my voice. I can’t seem to speak loud enough no matter how hard I try. I just get this monotone drone that most people can only respond to with ‘what’? Doesn’t help that I’m in school to be a teacher! It has led me into a deep depression as literally every social interaction I’ve been having doesn’t go as planned. I rely on asking the person questions and being very agreeable, even when I don’t agree. The real me can’t come out because it is like I’ve digressed socially to this shell who just gets by. I can’t even seem to hold up my end of the conversation and it is extremely frustrating. It has led to a severe social anxiety whereas I was never that bad before. How can I overcome this anxiety when the attempts I consistently make are met with the exact same results? ughhh so fed up with this! Major depression has settled in and I am taking a year off school to try and fix these issues. Any advice?
August 30, 2012 at 6:22 am
Erik Kieser
Lots of advice Mr. Kev! 🙂 I’m assuming you’re reading through the blog, and I’ll respond directly to your note via email, but I thought I’d also address some of this here on the blog.
The bottom-line is you’ve developed one or more concerns/worries/fears about what might or could happen when you’re in the social situations that are making you frustrated. The issue is to address that thinking directly – identify the specifics, challenge the assumptions that you’re making (often and usually unconsciously) and then “power down” or unpack those anxious concerns back to just that – concerns, not crises, not disasters in the making, not anything except thoughts and the Flight or Fight Responses that start up as a result of that anxious thinking.
One of the most difficult things for those of us who get stuck in anxiety (at least at the start) is understanding that anxiety begins and ends in our thinking. We ALSO have very definite and often frightening responses in our body and emotions, all natural results of activating Flight or Fight, and these muddy the water/scare us as well – but the core of the problem is our thinking. When we get a handle, even a beginning grasp on this problem, we are more than half-way free of our anxiety.
I will drop you a note right now at your email! You don’t have to stay stuck in anxiety – nobody does.
Erik
September 15, 2012 at 7:27 am
Cammie
Erik,
First of all THANK YOU! Thank you for taking time to help so many people. You are a God sent to many of us. Feeling alone in this is the worst and you’ve brought so many together to help us understand this.
My story: I am 43 years old a mother of 2. I have been battling anxiety and depression for at least 4 years. Well, the last 4 years have been the worst. I think it started for me when I lost my father suddenly when I was 27. Then I was in a horrible marriage that end in divorce. There was physical and mental abuse in the marriage. I suffered a broken back and was physically violated by my husband. After the divorce I meant a wonderful man, that I am still with 10 tens later and I am very happy with him. About 4 years ago my brother (my best friend) suffered a brain stem stroke. He was 40 years old at the time. It was a very hard time for the entire family. They told us he wasn’t going to make it. With the grace of God he did. He is now home and in a wheelchair with 24 hour nursing care. I began having health issues 3 years ago. The doctors kept giving anti-depression meds. I diagnosed myself with help from the internet and went to an Endro doctor. Turns out I had thyroid cancer. I am fine now, all the cancer was removed. No treatment was required because the cancer was incapsulated.
For the last 4 years I have been obsessed with my health. I check my blood pressure ALL the time and my sugar levels. I am not diabetic.
I had a dizzy spell while drive back in June and now I won’t drive myself any where. I don’t leave my house unless I’m with a close friend or my boyfriend. I feel like I have imprisoned myself because of this fear of dying or passing out. I don’t want people to see that I am weak so many of my friends may think I’m anti social. I am missing out on so much.
I have been reading parts of your blog. I don’t know where to begin.
Any advice you have for me.
Thank you again
Cammie
September 19, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Erik Kieser
Cammie:
First off, thanks for this note – really appreciate you writing me here at the blog.
I will respond to your note at your email address as well, but I want to also answer it here for other readers.
1) You have lots of solid reasons to have anxiety! 🙂 You’ve been through an enormous amount, and while you’ve managed things incredibly well you’ve been left with a legacy of worry and anxiety. No surprises, nothing odd or unusual here. What you’re describing IS classic anxiety, and that’s good news –
2) Because that anxiety is stemming directly from your thinking. Doesn’t have to be (and often isn’t) conscious thinking, but it is thinking nonetheless, and because of that can be brought under your control and CHANGED. You HAVE imprisoned yourself, but not deliberately.
3) Let me encourage you to start reading in the blog from 3/2/12 of this year up to the present. It will give you a solid grounding in the basics. The bottom line is that your worries are based on potential problems in your thinking – what we call “what if?” questions – and you’ve converted them into crises in your thinking – scary monsters that you’re trying to escape.
For example: you suffered through a pretty terrible marriage (sorry about that for you – shouldn’t happen to anyone.) One of the results of that is you are anxious about what COULD happen to you, even when you’re now in a good, healthy relationship – i.e., your bad experiences about the past have you worried about what MIGHT happen in the future. Doesn’t have to be rational, doesn’t have to reflect anything except the fact that you have some fears about what COULD be. That’s enough (more than enough) to trigger Flight or Fight in your brain and body, and now you’re scared – your body is trying hard to get you away from the danger in your mind – only there is no-where to run.
Or heck – you had cancer! Even though it is dealt with now and you’re fine you’re still worrying at some level about it or some other illness. Again, your thinking – “what if?” concerns that have grown into terrifying fears – and not necessarily all of them conscious.
4) In addition you’ve learned to be deeply afraid of the physical and emotional responses to Flight or Fight – that’s a large part of what keeps you indoors and afraid to make a move. That’s what I call “unplugging” – learning to discount/not take seriously the warning signals in our bodies and brains that evolved for real, immediate danger – instead of the problems and challenges we face in our lives today.
In other words, you can unpack your anxious thinking and unplug your automatic fearfulness of what’s happening in your body and feelings. You really are the master of your brain and body – it will simply take some time, practice and a little patience, especially at the beginning. 🙂
I will cut and paste this response into email – please let me know that you’ve received that. And don’t give up! You’re much closer to your freedom than it feels to you at the moment –
Erik
September 21, 2012 at 9:54 am
Cammie
Thank you for your response. You truly are a very caring person..
I received your email and am work and reading daily. I left my house for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday. I spend 4 hours at a local casino with my boyfriend. I did have panic attacks while there but I did my best to ignore them.. I kept telling myself “i am still upright and breathing” I ended up breaking even so that’s a good thing too. When I came home I was so tired from fighting off the fear. Many people don’t realize how tiring this can be. Hopefully after a while of getting out it won’t be so bad. I know it’s going to take time and hard work but with the support I’m getting from you, fellow bloggers and my family I WILL get my life back 🙂
Thank you again
Cammie
September 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Erik Kieser
Congrats on this work you’ve done and the success you saw. It IS tiring – it is real work, physical and mental and emotional – most folks who don’t wrestle with this challenge really understand that. YOU WILL get your life back!
You’re welcome – please keep us posted –
Erik
September 20, 2012 at 11:52 pm
lammyakamrtrue
My Amygdala is like Muhammad Ali … Unfortunately!!!
September 23, 2012 at 6:30 pm
Erik Kieser
Dang funny! And I’ve got your email – will be responding to it shortly. Muhammad Ali – good one. 🙂
Erik
September 24, 2012 at 8:24 am
Kim
Hi Erik,
I just wanted to follow up on my situation with regard to using the tools you have provided in your blog. (which is a lifesaver for so many of us……thank you). I recently had to make a trip to move my young daughter into her dorm. I had to load up my husband’s pick up truck and drive her and her belongings to a place I had not driven to before and get her unloaded, find my hotel and then drive back home the next day. I had worked myself up in the week before but started to use the tools……By the time that morning came. I was determined that even though my skin was starting to crawl, I wanted this more than anything. I wanted to be able to work through it and make the “anxiety” the loser and gain strength over my thoughts. I used the “float through it” a lot that day and I lived in the moment. I was not only able to accomplish this trip (on the highway doing 75), I was then able to come home and accomplish several other events without panic. I was called for jury duty and went there with no expectations….(practiced not looking into the future and projecting). Well, low and behold I was not stricken from the list and had to serve on the jury but I did not panic. I was very vocal in deliberations and feel quite proud that I was able to fulfill my duty without being “scared to death”.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do for so many people. It’s a gift that you have and the fact that you are willing to share it with so many who are dealing with the pain is commendable. I wish you a brilliant success with your book. I think it will do well seeing that you and the universe are communicating on the same level now.
September 24, 2012 at 9:26 am
Erik Kieser
Thank you for this Ms. Kim! Really appreciate you putting this up on the blog! 🙂
Erik
November 30, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Jennifer
I linked to your blog through a search that I performed on Google trying to find out more information about a scam called the “triad technique”. I started reading your posts and found them to be very interesting and informative. What is the best way to use your blog? To just read it from January 2010 up until now? I’m not the most anxious person in the world but I have my ups and downs with it. I’ve been on Zoloft for the past 15 years ever since my son was born. I want to finally kick the anxiety and panic for good! My biggest problem is not having any time to devote to my own needs in an attempt to kick it! That in itself causes anxiety!
December 3, 2012 at 10:14 am
Erik Kieser
Jennifer!
Thanks for your note here at the blog. I would recommend for the moment starting at the beginning of November 2011 and working your way up to the present moment.
Zoloft is a great tool – if used in conjunction with the work to unpack the anxious thinking that generates the need for a medication like Zoloft in the first place. You sound like you’re in a great place to tackle this work. And it is pretty classic with us anxiety-fighters to not have the time in our lives to deal with our own needs. 🙂 There’s a good place to start!
I’ll drop a note to your email as well. In the meantime please feel free to hit me here or my email (listed here at the blog) if you have questions as you do this reading. Thanks again for your note !
Erik
December 13, 2012 at 1:31 am
Anna
Hello Erik,
I would liike to share a story here.
My story is a little different than the usual one here.
The starting point for everything is the fear of vomiting.
I have had it since I was a small child. I think it originally developed because my mother had some kind of poisoning which caused her to violently throw up the whole day. She was seriously ill and pale and vomiting and I was very small and around when this happened. Since that I have had an intense fear of vomiting. When I was a child ( I am now 32) I panicked even when I heard the word vomit. And if someone in our house had the disease I didn’t sleep at all but just held my ears. And didn’t use the toilet at home for several days.
And if I myself felt nauseous I completely panicked and developed strategies how to not throw up. I have forexample sat outside in minus degrees putting snow on the top of my stomach for not to throw up. And I didn’t.
It has actually been over twenty years since I actually vomited last time.
Later on there has appeared more into this fear. I was in early teenage when we had the singing presentation at school. I felt tension and suddenly noticed that it feels liike nausea. I was horrified that I would throw up right there and I couldn’t leave the stage because our teacher was veri strict. Since that I have been afraid of presentations and shows where there is no exit. I feel intense fear and because of that I feel really nauseous and I really think that I will throw up. I never haven’t, but I really think it is possible when you experience intense anxiety. I know some people do vomit when having anxiety attack.
This differs my phobia from many others. I fear something what actually may happen. Many others fear something which is not going to happen, like losing one’s mind. And I am not afraid of anxiety, no matter how severe, if the threath of vomiting was not present. I dont care if I die, but I care if I have to vomit. And in front of people is the worst scenario.
My phobia now appears in the places with no exit. Airplanes being the worst and some middle seats in the auditorium being difficult as well. And wherever I go I scan the exit always.
I have recently realised that even though the risk of vomiting is always there, the real problem is anxiousness. If I would get rid of it, I would not feel nauseous without real reason like sickness and that you probably can anticipate on time.
I have had better and worse times with this. When I have had the possibility to workout a lot, my condition has been quite strong. No caffeine helps also and good sleeping. Now because having a baby, lack of sleep, no workout, lactating, stress and also hormones might have a role have weakened me. Lack of estrogen lets the levels of serotonine to drop.
Do you think your methods could help me?
December 13, 2012 at 11:59 am
Erik Kieser
The short answer is yes, these methods can help. They can help because ALL anxiety is the same – whether what is making us anxious could actually happen, or if it is very unlikely to happen.
The keys are in what you wrote here:
“I was horrified that I would throw up right there and I couldn’t leave the stage because our teacher was very strict”
“I feel intense fear and because of that I feel really nauseous and I really think that I will throw up.”
“I don’t care if I die, but I care if I have to vomit. And in front of people is the worst scenario.”
“It has actually been over twenty years since I actually vomited last time.”
So let me summarize:
1) It is TERRIBLE, really the worst thing ever, if you were to vomit in front of other people. It is worse than dying.
2) You haven’t in fact vomited in 2 decades.
3) Just the notion of vomiting in public (with no way to get away) scares the crap out of you.
In other words you are anticipating a very scary (to you) scenario. And in that scenario creation (something I call in the blog the indefinite negative future) you scare yourself, over and over again. You haven’t actually vomited in decades, you survived your last vomiting episode all those years ago, but you have yourself very frightened of the possibility of vomiting again, someday, in a place where you can’t get away from being in public.
You keep asking yourself “what if I vomit and I can’t get to a private place?” That fires up your Flight or Fight response (because this scares you deeply) and of course nausea is one of Flight or Fight’s responses! Ugh! 🙂 So it can become a vicious circle…
On top of all that you’re busy with a new baby, sleep-deprived, unable to exercise and you’re still coursing with hormones. Your shields/defenses are down, so this ancient fear has a fertile field to play in your thinking at the moment.
So what to do?
1) Start unpacking your “what if” questions around vomiting. Why is this so bad for you? You’re right – sometimes people vomit when they get anxious. It’s pretty rare, but it has happened.
But that’s not really the problem. What makes this so scary for YOU? What does your dark future scenario thinking tell you will be the outcome of such an event? Everybody throws up now and again – part of being alive, having intestines and such. 🙂 You’re expecting something terrible to happen, or more than one terrible thing to happen, if you are in a situation where you throw up and other folks witness it.
I call this unpacking your fearful thinking. You’ve got one or more stories running in your thinking that make this scary – what are they?
Try listing out your thinking on paper, or on a computer. Just write and don’t think too hard about it – see what comes. Expect this to generate some anxiety, obviously – and if you can’t do it for more than a couple of minutes at the start, that’s fine – take a break and come back to it in an hour, or the next morning.
Once you’ve done some of that consider what you find yourself thinking/writing about. It is a remarkable thing to say that you’re not afraid of death, but you are afraid of vomiting in public. Why? You dying – that’s pretty final. 🙂 You vomiting – well, it isn’t pleasant, and we’ll feel badly for you, and then we’ll get a mop and some wipes and help you clean up, and it will be over. But it doesn’t stop there in your thinking, right? It’s much worse than that…
Except it isn’t. We have to sort out where you’ve turned this, literally, into a crisis in your thinking – when all it is, however uncomfortable and tedious and even embarrassing, is just a potential, might-happen-some-day, problem (if it’s that.)
2) Expect Flight or Fight to rear up and freak you out – including nausea. Remember that those responses don’t carry any special meaning, however much they make you afraid. I call this unplugging – literally discounting the importance of those Flight or Fight physical and emotional warnings of danger. Again, this will probably be hard to do at the start of your writing work, but take breaks as you need and practice calmly reminding yourself that you’re just sorting out fearful thinking, which is in turn making you generate Flight or Fight reactions.
Takes some practice, obviously. 🙂
3) Feel free to start an email exchange with me – more than happy to lend a hand in helping you sort this out. I’m pretty confident that you can sort this out pretty quickly – you sound smart and rational.
I will send a copy of this to your email. You can get rid of this fear! Looking forward to hearing from you –
Erik
January 4, 2013 at 5:54 am
Anna
I have been doing the unpacking work and also taken care of physical excersize. Last week I felt horrible and really messed up. But this week it is completely different. I feel so much better in many ways.
I think I should probably do the unpacking work in smaller pieces. Otherwice the night after unpacking writing is very restless and weird.
Anywya, I have been even surprised to see that this seems to be working at some degree already now. Wow!
Of course I still have many doubts if this could really solve the whole issue.
But a relief in whatever degree is more than wanted.
The biggest thing is that maybe my thoughts really could change. I have felt like some of my thoughts are like a solid part of me and they could not change at all. But maybe they can change after all. And why couldn`t they?
They are just thoughts. But like you have written here, my thoughts and fears around them are a result of very hard thinking work of years and years. It will take time to get them downloaded.
Thanks for having this blog,
Anna
January 5, 2013 at 9:50 am
Erik Kieser
Thank you for this note Ms. Anna! I really appreciate your kind words here. I really liked what you said about how you thought that your thoughts “are like a solid part of me.” It is definitely what I believed for a very long time, and it was a giant brain shift to see thinking as fluid, evolving and much more under my control than I knew.
It’s my pleasure to do this blog just to get notes like this! Thank you again –
Erik
January 5, 2013 at 1:05 pm
lee
man i hope someone out there can help me. i have been suffering from anxiety/panic for so very long. i have a fear of open places/spaces/fields, fear of driving (the farther away from home i get the worse the anxiety gets, fear of busy roads (i spend incredible amounts of time avoiding “trigger” roads and take back roads. I’m to the point now where i cannot even ride in the passenger seat of a vehicle for fear of having a panic attack and not being able to pull over and escape, which causes an actual panic attack. just yesterday i went with a friend just up the road and we took her car (i insisted on driving so i could be in control), but when we went to return, she grabbed the keys and got in the drivers seat. i immediately started sweating, heart pounding and just wanted to get out of the vehicle. it was literally a 4 block ride but it exhausted me. and the whole time im thinking to myself “why is this happening to me? why cant i overcome this irrational fear? there is no REAL danger here”. somehow i have programmed my brain to respond to these situations with panic, which has lead to an ever-shrinking world for me. i used to be able go on road trips and think nothing of it. now i have a trip to Chicago (166 miles) planned for Jan 29th to see a concert that i so badly want to see, but i just don’t think i can do it. i even mapped out walking there as a way to avoid any other type of transportation ; as flying, ride along’s, driving, public transportation all cause debilitating anxiety. i have cancelled 4 out of the last 5 road trips that i had planned. its like inside i know that i HAVE to go thru this to master it, but repetition just seems to make it worse. i lack the coping skills i guess. i am so worn down and tired of dealing with this illness. i have researched (like all of us) and i just cant find the answer. this thought process has got its claws in me. i want to be “me” again. it has cost me relationships, jobs, friendships, and has left me depressed and insecure. help me please.
January 6, 2013 at 9:05 pm
Erik Kieser
Lee:
Nothing is as life-sucking as anxiety when it starts shutting down your freedom. I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this crap!
I’m going to send you an email directly in just a minute, but in case you see this first I just want to say one quick thing: this fear you’re fighting is being generated by very specific “what if?” questions that you’ve (unintentionally) gotten focused on (largely unconsciously) and you can identify and sort that thinking out. You don’t have to stay trapped.
Look for my email!
Erik
January 10, 2013 at 11:40 am
Val
I am so happy to have discovered this blog after hours and hours of internet research that just led to advertisements and medication! I have read through so many of the posts and watched several of the videos. Thank you so much, Erik, for being willing to repeat the same things over and over again, in a very personal way, to each of us that suffer from anxiety! 😉 It’s good to know I’m not alone in this and that there is help.
So, my story: I recently went through a breakup which I believe has set everything off. I have had panic attacks periodically throughout life (I am 31) but over the past week things have escalated to only having periodic moments of normalcy. At first I had just one panic attack a day for the first 2 days. I recognised what was happening and was able to shut it down in an hour. The third and fourth days I had prolonged panic attacks at work. Very embarassing, not to mention, incredibly tiring to “keep it together” until I could bolt from work. I have found that my “safe place” is lying on the bathroom floor in my apartment….the only thing that will calm me down. Very little else needs to happen, before you realise a serious problem, than an adult lying on their bathroom floor for any length of time. 😉 I began my first day of school yesterday, first day of the spring semester that is, I’ve attended this school for 2 years now. I only had 1 class and needed to purchase a parking pass in a building a few streets down before attending. I must mention that, as many of the previous bloggers have mentioned, I have a lot of anxiety built around driving. The further I get from home, the more I panic. So, I started breaking down and quickly called my sister for reassurance. She stayed on the phone with me for over 2 hours while I mustered every bit of courage I had to walk in, buy a parking pass, cry in the parking lot, drive to the school, and cry again in the parking lot for an extended period of time because I couldn’t get out of the car. I finally gathered myself enough to make it to class. The entire hour I was there (which felt an eternity) my palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, I could hardly concentrate, I could barely find my voice, and I reeked of sweat and fear. I just kept telling myself that if I could make it through the hour, I would be able to go back to my safe place. Immediately after the class was over I felt a wave of relief……then I had to drive back home in rush hour traffic. By the time I got home….all I could do was curl up on the bathroom floor and try to pass out.
I realise that so much of what is crippling me is my fear of being alone. My family lives hundreds of miles away from me and I rarely get to see them. Life revolves around work, school, and my many expectations for the future. In fact, I believe my whole life lately has been devoted to what will happen in the future and just getting through the present. Anyways, these anxiety issues are forcing me to acknowledge the very present while still obsessing about the future. I haven’t returned to work yet. I don’t want to lose my job….and I don’t feel fearful of that right now….but I know that if I can’t return soon, that I will need to figure something out. I have read about the triad technique and have begun journaling….unpacking to follow. 😉 Are there any specific techniques I can use during an episode, however, to help snap me out….myself? I feel like I haven’t been able to unpack anything yet…..or reframe my crises…..I just found this site yesterday! Any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!
January 14, 2013 at 8:36 am
Erik Kieser
Val:
I sent you a short response last night directly to your email, and will follow-up this morning with a longer one. I’m sorry you’re in the grip of this series of panic attacks – I know how frustrating, draining and scary they can be. I listed out the quick-help techniques that seem to work best in that email – deep, controlled breathing, full-body stretching, cardio movement of almost any kind and deliberate challenging of the meaning of panic attack Flight or Fight responses. All of these can help pull you out of the hole that a panic attack tries to dig for you.
The larger question is what anxious thoughts are triggering these panic attacks in the first place – or, more accurately, what anxious thoughts have brought you to a place where you find yourself so anxious that you’re experiencing panic attacks. You mentioned here that you’ve done some blog reading and that you’re starting an anxiety journal – good news. You’re probably best served in the blog at this point (as of 1/14/13) to read the blog entries from 11/20/11 through 8/8/12 to get the best summary of the framework and techniques I’ve articulated/summarized.
Bottom-line: Panic attacks are scary, freaky, they seem to come out of the blue, but they are in fact simply our brains and bodies reacting to extreme stress, stress brought on by our thinking. This entire fight begins and ends in our thinking.
Will send you that longer email today!
Erik
January 10, 2013 at 1:48 pm
Anna
Hello again,
I have realised today that I have in many situations made my life more difficult by trying to hide my fears and phobias. Making sure they will not be seen. Life would have been easier if I would have been more open about them. Trying to hide and being ashamed of them creates even more pressure to situations.
Linked to this I have been thinking how much of the stuff you absolutely hate (OK because of your fears) you should still be doing? I have for example tried to do so called exposure in many places many times.
And it hasn`t gone so well. I have only streghtened the link between my thoughts and my bodily reactions. So the exposure is not working unless your thinking is changing. If your thinking remains the same, exposure only strengtens your fear. At least when it comes to me.
What is the benefit if you force yourself to go somewhere repeatedly and you absolutely hate every moment there? Yes, you can go and are by that sense not limited but what is the point of going and hating?
And also in general I think it is OK to fear and hate some things and then not to do them! It`s like someone would be afraid of and hate playing baseball and
he continuously went to play. To see if he at the end would not be afraid and would enjoy of it.
Wouldn`t it be better to find something that he liked and spent his time with that? Maybe yes.
This was just to point out that it is OK to fear something and to skip something.
BUT when it is a phobia that remarkably restricts your life and stops you from doing the things you WOULD love to do, then there is a strong point to try to overcome a phobia. Of course.
This was just to point out that we fear/phobia people sometimes forget to listen what we really would love to do. We may be so concentrated to our phobia and how to get rid of it that we can not even see that there are a lot of things we can enjoy today weather we have or have`t the phobia. Our fear/phobia is not us! There is SO MUCH more.
Let`s keep that on mind!
Regards,
Anna
January 14, 2013 at 8:48 am
Erik Kieser
Thank you for this very thoughtful and spot-on note Ms. Anna! There is a LOT of room for confronting, unpacking and sorting out the thinking that makes us anxious in the first place – it is after all the heart of the problem, and we won’t shake free of anxiety until we, one way or another, change/reframe our thinking to break up that anxious thinking.
Having said that you’re exactly right – anxiety sucks the life and joy out of our souls, and we can get caught up in both fighting off anxiety and feeling like there isn’t any point to anything (from exhaustion, from fear of triggering anxiety bursts or panic attacks, from the gray cloud of depression that is one of the outcomes of anxiety). But it is rare that we can’t find anything at all to make us smile or distract us from our anxiety and the work to overcome it.
And you raise another excellent and brilliant point: exposure to anxious situations or fear-triggering situations can actually make matters worse unless we are ALSO getting a handle on what is making us anxious in the first place. This isn’t necessarily true for some smaller fears (although it can be very true there as well) – i.e., fear of riding a rollar-coaster, fear of small dogs, fear of clowns, etc. Sometimes exposure and no bad result of that exposure can cut someone loose. Or not! Because all of this lies deeply rooted in our thinking.
Thank you again for your note Ms. Anna –
Erik
January 11, 2013 at 5:31 am
Anna
Hello,
I want to commet Erik`s latest blog post “I can only see one Path when I am in the crisis mode”.
It is so true! I was walking outside and literally realised that, I felt that.
I was thinking about my own situation with fears again and I really felt the stuckness in my head. Like I had only few thoughts going through and others just were sucked into a messy little ball inside of my head.
I think it is this time, energy, life and joy sucking creature in my head.
I have created it and I should be able to unpack it also.
Another day when I was unpacking my fears I felt the opposite feeling.
Movement, space and more freedom inside.
I don`t know if I did something wrong the other time.
Or maybe it is part of the unpacking process.
Anna
January 14, 2013 at 8:53 am
Erik Kieser
Anna: I would argue that this is VERY much a part of the unpacking process. Some days, especially at the beginning of this work, it feels like you’ve just opened a messy closet and everything just falls out – a big jumbled mess. Other days the sorting/unpacking comes easier, and you can feel things get cleaned up.
It will vary around issues like your energy level, how much this particular piece of scary thinking shakes you and your at-that-moment success in reframing the crisis back into a problem in your thinking.
It is slow and steady work – and I wish it was fast and instant. 🙂
Erik
March 21, 2013 at 2:30 pm
june
Hi Eric
I hope you could share something with my anxiety towards my work. I am a nurse, just new here in the U.S., migrated to be a nurse here. after my orientation and alone on the floor with patients, this is where my anxiety comes in. Before going to work, anxiety comes in and keeps on blaming myself why we migrated here wherein we were doing good in our previous place (country). I am married with 2 kids and every time work comes, my world turns upside down. Have to argue with my husband with regrets why we moved here. I cant stand it. I work night shifts, 12 hrs, after work, having a hard time sleeping. One thing that causes my anxiety is tiredness due to lack of sleep. I hope you could give me some inouts on what I should to to conquer all of this. Reality, going back to my previous place would be so hard considering I will be starting all over again. My husband cannot work since he is taking care of the kids. Hope you could give me some insights how to battle this anxiety and depression which leads to me crying out alone in the closet.. Hope to hear from you. Thanks.
March 22, 2013 at 6:31 am
Erik Kieser
June:
I just wrote the message below directly to your email –
Yes, exhaustion feeds anxiety – no question about that. Let me first encourage you as much as I can to carve out a little more sleeptime, as much as possible, to help you as you sort out what’s making you anxious. Clear thinking and emotional “levelness” are usually compromised by lack of sleep. I’m also curious – what is your eating like? Are you getting enough to eat, and are you eating healthy – i.e., no junk food, getting some greens in your diet, getting some protein, etc.? That makes a difference too (as you know as a nurse!)
On to your anxiety: I’m hearing a couple of issues. It sounds like work (being new, far from home, alone on the floor, etc.) is stressing you, and it sounds like challenges between you and your husband are also feeding your anxiety. Does that sound right?
I don’t know how far you’ve read in the blog, but in case you haven’t, read the blog posts from 11/20/11 through 8/8/12. That’s a fair amount of reading, but it will give you the basics of this framework and help you start sorting this out. Bottom-line – you’re generating fears about the future in your thinking – asking yourself “what if?” questions about not succeeding in your job, making your husband upset, having to go home after coming here – does that sound right? What if this doesn’t work out? What if you have to start over again? Questions like that?
Your anxiety is rooted in that kind of thinking. It is stressing your body, for sure, but it starts (and ends) in your thinking. So your work will involve identifying where you are worrying about the future, specifically, and pulling apart/challenging that thinking, working to come BACK to the present (not living in fear up in the future) and reframing what you’re afraid of –
Please hit me back by email if you like, and we can start a dialogue there. You CAN sort this out!
Erik
March 22, 2013 at 11:28 pm
Adam Gibbins
Hi, I’ve spent hours now reading this blog and many of the posts and can’t help but remain very sceptical about what it is you can do for us sufferers other than offer reassurance?? I mean no disrespect what so ever but I have read nothing from yourself that can actually help..well with me anyway. Everyone on here has every symptom I’ve ever experienced & reading that in its self make me feel a tiny bit better but still no answer of the process or techniques required to rid myself of these awful life time curse of symptoms. Whilst I appreciate your extremely kind comments and reassurance I feel pretty much the same as I did before I found this blog…. Which is a shame because everyone here feels much better now?? Am I missing something?? Please give me details of how to move forward with this, how can I put this next bit with out sounding rude?? I don’t need kind words I need the method you speak of, I need what ever it it you offer to do this. My last ounce of energy will go into what ever you can offer.
Kindest regards
Adam
March 24, 2013 at 7:37 pm
Erik Kieser
Adam:
Let’s see how I do at efficiently answering your question. 🙂
1) How much have you read of the blog? On the assumption that you’ve read only the most recent posts please review the posts that run from 11/20/11 through 8/8/12. Those posts lay out the basic framework and the starting steps to dealing with anxiety/depression.
2) The bottom line for the entire discussion of anxiety is this: we, for a variety of reasons, start responding to problems (i.e., challenges, issues in our lives, assumptions we make or learn about who we should be/do, worries, etc.) as if they were crises (i.e., life-or-death threats that can injure or kill us RIGHT NOW.) This process is rarely (if ever) conscious. Something in our thinking scares us, that fear activates our Fight or Fight Reflex (which I call Flight or Fight, for reasons articulated in the blog), we flinch back from the frightening thinking/worries about the future, and we begin to create a habit of anxiety in our thinking around that topic or topics.
What can make this sorting out of this habit is
a) The length of time we’ve been doing it (often years or decades)
b) The very nature of Flight or Fight. It evolved to GET US AWAY from what scares us – which can make, at the beginning of this work, the work of “unpacking” our fearful thinking a challenging and exhausting task. It is work that we can do – it is just very often draining to start that work and stay with it for the first little while.
3) One last issue can muddy the waters, namely our often desperate desire (as I know from my own experience) to get rid of anxiety NOW. We don’t want to hear (many of us, anyway) that it will take a little time (months, probably, depending on how long a person has been developing habits of anxiety around how many issues) and patient effort to shake free of reflexive anxious thinking.
4) I am MORE than happy to start a dialogue with you by email (or even by Skype) as you wade into this work, as well as answer your questions. I am still refining how this material is best communicated as I finish my second draft of a book around this topic, and I welcome the opportunity to discuss/review this material. If that’s interesting/useful to you –
I just sent this response in an email to you. Thank you again for your note here at the blog, and I look forward to hearing from you –
Erik
April 24, 2013 at 5:30 am
Lee in England
Hi all,
I’ve been working my way thorugh the blog (I would strongly advise people start as Erik says around the September 2011 area, I started at the latest stuff but the older work gives vital context and structure) I have spoken with Erik via email too.
In essence I have health anxiety from a particularly tough illness 6 years ago, I have searched the web for years, seen therapists (some good, some bad) and medicated with sodas, cigarettes, prozac (for a time) and for other ‘distractions’ I am on my way to cracking this issue and can say with absolute conviction that the work Erik does here is by far the most accurate I have read, both in practical terms, in how the anxiety cycle actually operates. I don’t say this lightly, we anxiety sufferes are deeply sceptical folk but my convcition lies around one central point- test it. Move out of your comfort zone- see what happens (in small steps) Test whether you are feeling just a central fear or if you too are carrying a fear of the fear too as I have. Sit there and ask your anxiety to do it’s very best, ‘give me what you have’ (gently again) and I bet you a short time later you will have moved on to other thoughts/activities- repeat and repeat again. It’s tough but it’s like taking off a mask I find, now more and more I get more glimpses of the real me underneath 🙂
I guess what I am trying to say is a big thank you to Erik for creating such a thorough road map for me to put my experiences through. It’s hard, crappy work, it takes immense practice, patience and care (do not give yourself a timescale) I read and re-read the blog, hell I’ve learnt the habits of my anxiety so well for years I figure I should do the same to tame the beast!! I’m on my way, it’s gonna take time but each tme I slide towards the gloom I test what I am feeling; ‘Had this before? Yep, did it hurt me last time? Nope! Ok so we know what is going on- calm, unpack, face up to it, discount the meaning’
Good luck to you all and thank you Erik, your work is tremendous.
Own the beast!
Lee
(Yorkshire, United Kingdom)
May 2, 2013 at 6:42 am
Erik Kieser
Thank you Ms. Lee! This comment is deeply appreciated. I’m VERY grateful you called out the nature of the work – that it is “hard and crappy” for some period, different for each of us, but it is the way to shake free of this junk called anxiety! Thank you again!
Erik
May 19, 2013 at 6:31 pm
Debbie
Just curious, my anxiety seemed to start with menopause. I started getting palpitations and it went from there to uncontrollable leg shaking. I mean serious shaking, then breathing problems. It all started to steamroll. I recently had Gallbladder surgery and thought perhaps my GB was the cause of the palpitations (vagus nerve) and it would fix it. But here I am on my 3rd day w/o my gb and have the worse panic attacks ever. I feel so beyond hope right now. The only thing that calms me down is xanax. I’ve been popping them like crazy for some peace of mind.
May 22, 2013 at 11:59 am
Erik Kieser
Debbie:
I’m not terribly surprised to hear that your current fight with anxiety occurred in step with menopause. I am no doctor and would not presume to draw a direct connection, but I can say if nothing else that menopause can be a pretty anxiety-generating time for a lot of women. The symptoms you’re describing can certainly be explained by anxiety – restless motion, breathing issues, panic attacks in general.
The blazing question is what specific thinking (likely unconscious or semi-conscious) is making you anxious, and in turn firing up your Flight or Fight response (which is the source of the physical and emotional reactions you’re having at the moment.) Start to identify what is making you anxious in your thinking and you begin to have a real lever to diminish and dispel your anxiety.
Feel free to hit me at my email address and we can do some “unpacking”, as I call it, of the thinking that is lurking behind your anxious body.
Erik
November 18, 2013 at 1:16 pm
Anna
Thank you once again for keeping this blog! I really enjoyed your November post about how we anxiety fighters feel our bodies as strangers. We are not comfortable there, don’t accept bodily functions and are afraid of them.
I have little by little found relief to my f&f nausea. I have sometimes managed to cool my body and mind during the attack by thinking that it probably will not lead to vomiting. It never has. It is just a little similar sensaation that I felt as ten years old when I was see sick. And also I have managed to think that it is not a catastrophe to vomit infront of others. It is just my personallista catastrophe and I am stressed about how would I survive such a thing. But hey, of course I would survive.
It is a pitty that I haven’t got any adult during my childhood with whom to speak about this. I think this really has had and still has a
remarkably effect to my whole life. And it is such a small thing.
I have got so much help and sense to this crap that I really throughly
appreciate the work you do here. 🙂
November 18, 2013 at 1:25 pm
Erik Kieser
Ms. Anna!
Thank you a ton for these great comments – I’m humbled. Can’t say enough how glad I am that you’re finding value in the writing.
And of course you are exactly right – it is NUTS that most of us didn’t get any adult guidance or input when it could have made an incredible difference…
Thank you again! Keep at it –
Erik